Unto Her Will

Once more, I have been lax in posting. I beg your forgiveness.

This is the time of year in which I find myself tremendously pressed for time. Thankfully I have completed my gift shopping but there still remain other preparatory tasks in anticipation of the coming festivities.

Ms hosts two parties in December. The first is in honour of the Winter Solstice which Ms refers to as our Yule Celebration. This is a fancy dress occasion and rather informal. A meal is served, usually buffet style, and gifts are exchanged, many in a humourous vein.

There is much emphasis placed on the lighting of the Yule Log to give brightness in the shortest day and the placing of mistletoe to remind us that life remains present in winter.

It is a smaller scale party to the Christmas celebration, being a dinner party with invitations for approximately 40, Mistresses and their boys included.

The Yule typically stands as the Network's Annual Seasonal Play Party as well. A time for pronouncements, and occasionally ceremony, as will be the case this year with Michael. I think I shall fully faint with relief when his vows are at last completed.

On the other hand, the Christmas Celebration is a formal, evening dress occasion. Entirely vanilla, as many of the guests are family and business associates. At this function I am strictly the butler and household manager and Michael is strictly Mistress' personal financial advisor and accountant.

I find this particular event most stressful. It was curtailed a bit last year, but this season it will be a grand stage. Nearly full attendance is expected. As is my nature I am highly concerned that all the linens are perfectly pressed, the centrepieces exquisite and well placed, the food and wine perfectly delightful and the entertainment impressive and pleasing to most if not all.

It is my duty to deliver a successful event, especially as the fruit of my labours is a reflection on Mistress Herself. There are only a few little niggling items to sort, but be assured I will be tweaking and touching up right to the last minute before the guests arrive.

Also, my parents are hosting a family gathering at their residence this year. I shall see numerous persons I have not encountered since childhood. Curious though I am, my feeling is still somewhat shy when reuniting with people. Mother will quite naturally pull me to the centre ring and make much of anything and everything she can think to boast about. On cue I shall go deeply red and wish for the comforting underside of the nearest large stone.

Father asked that I invite Michael. I question the wisdom in this as the boy's very presence as my guest will start a whirlwind of gossip and supposition, both of which I would most like to avoid. Nonetheless I have asked him along and he has consented with glee.

It was nice of father to think of Michael. As he knows how Michael grew up without paternal leadership, I think Father would like to take the boy under his wing. I do question if Father might still retain these sentiments if he knew about the boy's strong tendancy to compare him to a zombie butler, aka this character, Lurch.

This year as well as volunteering at the shelter I have scheduled a little concert tour of sorts to a few of the nursing/care homes. A few evenings will feature a woodwind quartet composed of my friends, these being the nights they had available in their diaries. Others will feature myself on piano, playing Christmas selections arranged to accompany voice so the residents may sing along, if they are so inclined.

I have included Michael, writing in parts for triangle, wood blocks, sleigh bells, and perhaps a light bit of snare and brushes on the Guaraldi piece. I have also suggested he lead the singing on carolling evenings, but he feels that British people will not accept his American renditions. I told him this is foolishness and, I believe, an excuse on his part. The very idea!

At any rate, He smirked at me when I made the proposal of the instruments, almost as if I were purposely putting him in a backseat position. I explained that next year it is my hope that he will play a more prominant part, perhaps piano accompaniment to my flute or oboe. His response? 'Fat chance, Ryan.'

He was a bit more enthusiastic once I presented him with the instruments. In fact Ms felt that after an hour or so the enthusiasm was running a bit too high for Her tastes and thus confiscated the lot. She states that he will be allowed possession of his kit for specific practice times to save wear and tear on both Her ears and Her nerves.

I would so love to natter on, but I've chores to attend to and a bit of practice with our budding percussionist this evening.

Be well all, and may your holiday planning go smoothly.

Faithfully,
Ryan

Good Morning, Friends.

I apologise for my absence.  As Michael has posted, I was ill with a lung infection and spent a tidy little week in hospital undergoing treatment.  As I may have stated before, I do not enjoy drawing undue attention to myself and should never like to be a burden to those around me.  That being said, you may draw the correct conclusion that I knew myself to be unwell prior to fainting in Mistress' presence and thus removing all doubt. 

Happily I am now on the mend and shall devote myself to catching up on all my duties, as well as my strength and endurance will allow.  Each day I'm a bit better physically and can not complain.  I would like to express my gratitude to those who were about to help me (MsV, my mother and father, Michael, nurses, doctors, hospital staff) and those here whose well wishes were relayed to me by Michael.  Thank you all.

Upon reviewing the comments with regard to my next essay/commentary topic I have decided to respond first to Ms Antlady's request and give a bit of background detail.   I will attempt to give satisfactory answers to Her questions as well. 

Allow me to preface this by saying that I cannot in any way speak for all persons involved in BDSM, D/s, Femdom, etc...  I will address matters regarding our personal household lifestyle.  I have lived here for seven and one half years and would hope in that time to have become somewhat of an expert on Mistress Victoria's requirements and methodology.   Also I might add that this is my perception of our reality.  Ms or Michael may see things a bit differently to myself.

Ms Victoria has been training boys for nearly 20 years (by 2009) within Her Network of Domme Friends.  She is a Female Supremacist, but a kind and loving one who does not resent the male of the species.   Her primary interest, apart from the physical, is in refinement and overseeing the transformation of genetically tested, superior males into fine gentlemen.  Her sadistic proclivities fall secondary to Her mission to refine and purify the male in general. 

She believes, as do I, that males have a tendancy to brutishness and uncouth behaviour partially due to hormonal issues, and that in order to experience the true fullness of life they should be lovingly governed by a firm Female hand. 

I have permission to reveal that I am the 17th boy to successfully earn his certificate through two years of training servitude.  Several others,  when faced with the full discipline, were unable to finish or simply declined to stay the course.  There are limits to what I may elaborate on, but I will say that certain elements of the training are unfathomable for the faint of heart and boys of unyielding spirit were never tolerated beyond the first week. 

Concerning contracts: 

Michael is technically still under the terms of his training contract which extends to February 2008.  Certain exceptions to the normally strict rules have been made in his case and he has been offered the Beta position several months early.  

Ms Victoria certainly owes me no explanation, but She has mentioned that the leniency extended to Michael is due to several factors, not the least of which being Her intention for Michael to be the final graduate of Her training.

She has numerous times mentioned that he is unlike any other boy She has trained not only in his unbelievable stamina for physical punishment but in his boyish charm and entertaining personality.  It is difficult to remain unaffected by the boy.

I have a life-long contract with a yearly review of my performance.  The contract is perhaps much like a marriage contract, an agreement between persons to maintain an association with certain criteria to be met.   It is not a business contract, per se, but within the Network a service contract is perhaps even more weighty than a business contract.  

Michael and I are not paid by MsV for our submission.  It is a gift of the will which we present to Her.  Although I might hasten to add that Michael and myself are both employed by Mistress.  My position being equivilent to that of a major domo/butler and Michael's being Her personal accountant.  This is considered separate, to a certain extent, from our abject servitude to Her as our Domina.

Concerning the positions of Alpha, Beta, Gamma etc... :

The Alpha position is the highest ranking level of service within our household.  Many duties fall to this boy as well as his bearing the brunt of responsibility for the actions of other servants within the house.  He is charged with responsibility to set the pace and be an example for those beneath him and also to help in the training of the lower boy(s).  

Alpha must be highly discreet and hold his Mistress' confidence to the point of death if need be.  He is entrusted with much and equally much is expected of him.  It is a position of great honour which is usually hard earnt.  As Alpha I may, under Mistress' direction, command Michael and expect his immediate obedience without question.  

Beta is beneath Alpha to the degree that Mistress chooses.  It has been Her intent with Michael to groom him to be a 'Close Beta'  which would be perceived, within the Network, as a secondary Alpha.  In time I would educate him to carry out each of my duties to increase his worth and to allow more flexibility in our schedules.  I would likely share the yoke of burden with him in order to give more personal service and attention to Mistress.

Michael shall be taking a bit of time away in the next few weeks before returning here for confirmation and his induction.  He is travelling to Miami to visit with his aunt and friends before making this major commitment.  

He has given me his mother's ring to hold as security insuring his return.   The three of us have met this morning and he shall leave for Miami on Monday with Mistress' blessing and mine. 

His return is scheduled for November 30th.  He has asked for a 'Pineapple upside down cake' for his 24th birthday on December 1st.  I will do my best to oblige him although I have no recipe as of yet.  Last year it was a Red Velvet cake that was quite lovely.

I suppose I shall continue to forge on with explanations and background information in my next entry. 

Until my next posting, I wish you all health and happiness.

Ryan

i just wanted to say that ryan is in the hospital. MsV said he was talkin to Her last night and he just collapsed. ive been away so i came rushin back. they dont know whats wrong yet so theyre gonna be runnin some tests. if its ok with him ill let all you blog friends know when we find out nething.

love
mikey

I regret to say that the collaring ceremony scheduled for this weekend has been postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.

I also offer my apologies for the lack of attention to my blog and to my communication with other individuals I regularly correspondence with. There have been many rearranging duties to attend to.

I shall not leaven my blog with the drama of it all but simply state that for the time there is a bit of upheaval and my attentions are focused on pressing out the difficulties.

Thank you for your kind patience. It is greatly appreciated at this time.

Ryan

I shall begin my post by saying that all is well with Michael.  He made good use of his day away to reflect and consider the finer points of his service.  There were a few issues of concern and he returned home with a request for adjustment which is now under review.  I am well aware of the request and am certain Ms will grant it. 

I suppose anyone facing a major crossroads in their life should always think the matter through, even after coming to a decision.  Until the moment of commitment is upon us it does no harm to turn the matter over in our minds until it has been examined from every angle.  Naturally this is encouraged by Mistress, as I believe I openly stated in a previous post.  Only a thoughtless boy would enter into a union he is not prepared to see through.  Ms and I are both well impressed that he is taking it all as seriously as he should.

The boy and I had a deep and meaningful after tea.  We discussed various things regarding submission and our beliefs with regard to the rightness of males being governed by a firm but loving Female Dominant.  I know I have oft complained about his inquisitiveness but it is a good quality overall.  He is eager to learn, and willing to listen attentively to get to the core of an issue. 

He shared with me a recent experience he had  joining in a vanilla 'friends' chatroom and some of the intolerance he experienced there.  I did advise that he perhaps gives too much of himself away.  His openess needs to be more gauged if he does not wish to draw attention.   The shock and revulsion from those in the vanilla world is to be expected, as the life we lead is far from mainstream, but I suppose he is still most affected by the anti-American sentiments. 

The American humour is not of the same flavour as ours and perhaps it is the strong patriotic atmosphere in which American children are brought up that can foster a barrier to their being capable, as adults, of taking a ribbing about their own country.   I have explained to Michael that what people here say is probably not personally against him or likely not even truly anti-American as much as anti-the current administration in the United States.

Michael is the sort to take things to heart anyway.  He feels that the antipathy of the British media and of a percentage of the public toward his country is most unfair.  He states that he considers many of those making the comments to be quite ignorant and hateful.  I asked him if he also noted that most European nations do seem to enjoy taking the mickey out of each other and why should the colonies be exempt from this often amusing sport.  I admit to using the 'c' word to see if it ruffled the feathers.  It did just a bit.  All the same he knows I am having a bit of fun with him and that part of the conversation ended in laughter.  He knows for a fact that I quite like the 'new world'.

I am considering another D/s topic to address in a post here.  The last serious essay  was regarding Pro vs Lifestyle Submission and that was written a fair while ago. 
 
Amongst the possible selections are:

Female Supremacy (and why we practice it here)
The Deeper Joys of Male Submission
Working Relationships between Same Household Submissives
Subspace and Safety
The Draw of Humiliation (I should be very capable of addressing this topic)
Some of the Tools in our Shed  (implements used by Mistress Victoria)
Various excerpts from my Boy Diaries (circa 2000-2007)

If there is a preference, dear readers, please make it known to me.

Good Day to All,
Ryan

The morning was moving along well enough until approximately an hour ago when Michael came into the house from the flat.   I had allowed him to sleep in per MsV's instruction.  She felt he has been overwhelmed with the preparations for beta and likely needed a bit more rest.

I knew from the moment he walked into the kitchen that he was either unwell or unsettled emotionally.  In the end I found it to be the latter.  He has a rather obvious way about him, and those who know him well can not miss the signs.  He stated he came to get his running kit and darted off up the stairs to his room.  He was obviously upset, but I still am not sure what the exact cause is.  That is not to say there are no suppositions swimming round in my head. 

Naturally, I am concerned.   When I asked what the matter was he would only say that he wishes to be alone today to think. 

"But what of your appointments this afternoon?"
"Cancel them please."

He betrays himself choking on those last words.

I followed him until he walked out the door, standing nearby as he dressed and laced up his trainers.  Difficult as it was I tried very hard not to press.  When he rose I moved closer and attempted to embrace him.  A tear down the cheek and then the shake of his head.  No, he would not have it. 
 
I feel I must respect his need for solitude, but as a natural pessimist I am quite worried for him, and selfishly for myself as well.  The boy is the delight of my heart.  His differences and his cheek are seasoning for my soul,  his optimism offsets my pessimism and his joy balances my frequent melancholy.  To simply say that I love him would be a gross understatement.

He has changed my life.  I have learnt so much from him, though he would not believe it so. 

The worrier in me is feeling a bit frantic.  We are less than three weeks from his commitment ceremony and little flags are going up in my mind.   What else could he have to 'think' about'?

I can only assume that perhaps someone has spoken to him and upset him.  He was allotted an hour online this morning to attend to business.  Again I hope this is simply my fear rearing its head and not something concrete.  Perhaps it is finally sinking in about Ms Grace leaving?  I do not know.

I shall speak to him when he returns.  He has his mobile and has promised me that he is 'okay'.  I'm not sure how I should take that.  He did not seem the least bit okay when he left.  I am worried and I feel very pained to know that he is struggling with something and will not let me help ease the burden. 

I must get to my tasks but he is on my mind.  Dear, Michael boy, please be safe.

Ryan

This clip features instruments I am interested in (I play flute, but not cello) and a genre of music I appreciate (jazz) but with a Michaelish twist (the beatboxing). What do you think?

Autumn is a lovely time of year.  There is the first cold snap in the air.  The leaves change then fall. I much prefer it to what follows as I have never been fond of winter.

The heating throughout the house and in the flat has been lit today.  It is the first instance, since Spring, that it's been required.

The higher tog duvets have been put on the beds and the smaller quilts and afghans lay in readiness across the chairs and sofas.

Seasoned and non-seasoned firewood is in abundance and a fresh stock of Grand and Premier Cru has arrived so that we may keep ourselves and our guests well supplied this festive season.

Ms enjoys the scents of cinnamon, nutmeg and hazelnut at this time of year so there are several pots simmering with that particular richness. All the seasonal decorations, centrepieces, and arrangements are in their proper setting.

And with that I breathe a temporary sigh of relief.

I haven't long to write today. I was only mindful of the moment.  Something stirred within me and I felt compelled to sit in stillness for a short time.  Life is fleeting, after all.  Ms always reminds us to look at life from every angle.  To reflect and contemplate, and to be thoughtful of our place in life, and our surroundings.

As I write the rain is falling softly and I am delighted to be warm indoors.  Have a peaceful Autumn day.

Ryan

There has been very little time, of late, to be online.

Thursday and Friday were spent preparing the house for the celebrations the end of the month. Also the intensive shopping spree in which all the difficult to find items were tediously and meticulously procured.

The gown Michael is to wear for the collaring ceremony will have to be let out a bit as he is slightly thicker in build than am I.

I needn't tell you, the fitting went over like a lead balloon, especially as Michael was unaware of the attire and the fact that the traditional gown, worn by myself at my collaring as well as by several previous boys at their ceremonies, is in fact a lovely shade of crimson pink.

The mouth dropped open, the brow furrowed, and there was an 'uh uh, no way' uttered. Ms only smiled and said if he wished to become beta he would not only wear it, but wear it with gratitude and honour. He agreed, but with great reluctance.

The caterers have been round a second time as the first choice Ms had made for the evening's cuisine has proven impossible to accomodate. It does seem odd. I might have thought She would choose to use a different caterer but the Owner is a longtime friend and thus a new menu was chosen.

Naturally Michael takes an oath to Ms Victoria in the ceremony and a secondary oath to myself, but Ms has decided to require him to display a few of his talents and also to write and memorise a piece, prose or poem, to recite.

He had requested that the talent be running, which is laughable as one could hardly be expected to accomplish such a thing in the ballroom before an audience, but Ms has stated that he will sing something of Her choosing. She will decide this weekend and after it is passed on to him, he and I will work on it diligently until the day arrives.

The invitations were sent out the beginning of last week and already we have nearly complete assurance via RSVP that all invited shall attend.

Despite his distaste at the mandatory apparel, Michael is getting quite excited as the day draws nearer. He is ready to receive the marks that will be given him; a tattooed emblem set in the interior of his lower lip, and a strike brand of Ms Victoria's personal seal on his inner right thigh. He seems to look forward to these rituals most which I suppose is not surprising.

He has a bit of nervousness surrounding the ceremony itself and truly this is not without cause. Many of the guests are incredibly stern with regard to Female Superiority and would not be amused by unorthodox behaviour in a male. Michael's natural tendency to 'cheek' would be seen as uncouth and improper; very unbecoming a collared submissive.

Also it may be noted that not all of the Dominants share Ms Victoria's passion for youth. Many of the submissives, in fact most, will be over the age of 40.

This ceremony is a solomn act that should be approached with great humility and gratitude by the boy being accepted. He knows he must be on his very best behaviour so as not to shame his Mistress. Both Damon and myself have had a hand in grooming the boy for his special day.

Very exciting days to come, indeed.

It is also worth mentioning here that Michael's aunt, Ms Grace, has decided to take up residence in Miami again. She states that she misses her friends and her church activities.

Naturally Ms Victoria understands, and though we will all miss her daily presence, her fine 'soul food' and baking, as well as her gift for storytelling, we will bid her a very fond farewell. Michael is taking it well at present but will likely need comforting when Ms Grace does take her leave.

Ryan

It has been a lovely Sunday.

As per my usual custom I travelled to my parents' home for Sunday Roast. Mother is a wonderful cook and I always enjoy her homemade yorkshire puds with the vegetarian gravy She makes especially for me. She still chides me regarding my refusal to consume roasted flesh, stating that I am certainly not taking in enough protein. In order to avoid a 'discussion' and the resulting probability of indigestion I assure her that I am quite well, my GP has declared it so, and she is not to worry.

We had a nice reminiscence this afternoon, of Mrs. Lundstrom and her lovely baked cherry tarts. I especially remember those. Mrs. L was the cook in the household where my father was butler and lived across the courtyard from us on the estate property. I would return home from boarding school on weekends and catch the aroma of home baking wafting on the air. Fresh bread rolls, buns and cakes of every variety, but the cherry tarts were my favourite.

Mrs. Lundstrom was married to Mr. Lundstrom, the gardener, and we were on such familial terms that I was encouraged to address him as Uncle Ted. No children were born of their marriage and thus they doted on me quite shamelessly. In truth, all the servants in the household were like an extended family to me.

Sadly, both of these charming souls have passed on into the next life. Quite often on my visits home we remember them to one another. I had a bit of a sentimental thought on the drive home, a vision in my mind's eye of Uncle Ted cradling my little girl. The thought brought a warmness to my heart and a slight smile to my lips.

This evening finds me a bit weary, but for reasons I can easily identify.

After an impromptu seeding session with MsV, Michael returned to the flat at half 2 this morning, waking me from a deep sleep. I was awake from that time until a quarter of 4 due to the boy's extreme snoring. It would not be unreasonable to equate him with the 125 decibels of a heavy metal rock concert performance. I have made a note in my diary to ring the Doctor's surgery tomorrow and procure an appointment for our human buzzsaw to see what may be done to cure him.

Mother cat was waiting on the doorstep of the flat to greet me when I arrived home. Mewing and creating quite a fuss for attention. I brought her in and we rested in my chair. I, reading over some of my manuscript and stroking her gently, was rewarded with a handsome purring. Her purr is so resonant and throaty. A cat's purr has always comforted me, both the feel and the sound of it. Such a contented girl she is.

Michael comes in from the garden and immediately, taking notice of Mame (mother cat), he strongly entreats me to take her out as he is allergic to cat dander. I oblige him as I know it is the truth. From the fence she looks back at me, eyes squinted against the sun. The very tip of her tail points skyward and twitches ever so slightly as she meows her soft goodbye and makes a move to the stables to join her children. She is a lovely, dear girl.

It seems sentimental thoughts and feelings have ruled the day, and truly that is not discommodious in the least. It is good to remember and to appreciate. It is also good to enjoy some of the simple pleasures that come without a fee attached.

I would like to take this opportunity, in closing, to wish my friend and fellow submissive, Tanomar, a very Happy Birthday. I believe that he will be 50. Enjoy the day, Tan, and the delight in life you share with Ms Juleen. All of us wish you many happy returns of the day.

Ryan

Upon logging on and scrolling down to the bottom of the new "myblog.co.uk" overview I have received a bit of a shock. 

It appears that Michael has taken it upon himself to post pictures of me on his media without asking my permission.  This is likely because he is all too aware of the answer I would have given.  It is this simplest sort of misbehaviour that exasperates me.

What is the benefit to anyone in displaying my photograph on his blog?  His blog is meant to be about himself and his feelings, yes, but in expressing himself he should observe and respect the rights and wishes of others.  He is still falling short of the mark in this one area.  He takes liberties.

I will not say more on the subject here, although I will take it up with him in a few moments when I wake him.

I wish to let all those who have expressed concern for me know that I am well.  I regret worrying anyone as it appears I have done in writing a few of my recent entries here.  It is true that I sometimes struggle with my emotions, but in the name of good self discipline and honour I will press on.  I do not believe it to be too prideful a statement to say that I come from hearty stock.  Those in my family are well renowned for their fortitude and steadfastness.  I am only one link in that chain.

It does not upset me that Michael, the Goddess willing, will father a child with MsVictoria.  For my longstanding readers, you will remember It is not as though I have always had Her attentions to myself.  I came into this household as a third boy.  I learnt early on to appreciate any of the priceless moments She focused on me and gave me Her love.

I am still that boy.  I am still ever true and willing to submit to Her desires and tend fully to Her needs. 

What is love anyway?  It is the giving of one's self fully and completely.  It is the strong feeling in the breast that makes the heart quicken whenever the object of one's affection comes into view, or enters the mind.  It is knowing that at the very depths of my being that Her happiness is mine.  That has not changed and were I one to wager I would lay money to say it never will.

It is fair to say, that even if we were not living a D/s lifestyle Ms Victoria would still own me.  I have loved Her intensely nearly from the night She took me home.  I have given my heart, my mind and my soul to Her for as long as I live.

I must begin my day now.  I thank my friends for their concern and their kindness toward me.  I do not wish to be a burden to anyone.  I wish to be a blessing and a friend to lean on when required,  for the old addage is true:  it is better to give than to receive.

Ryan

It has been some time since we've had any rain. It isn't exactly pissing it down (pardon me) but it is enough that the plants may have a decent drink and revive themselves.

I'm feeling a bit better. I've been on medication for 4 weeks which is meant to help. My doctor did say it takes a bit of time to make a change but perhaps it is doing so. It was a bit of a disappointment to need that sort of assistance I suppose, but one does what one must.

Michael's piano lessons are coming on well enough. He can find middle C and he has mastered playing fortissimo without being taught. (chuckles) He is not shy about it, and actually is a good student. I told him we shall take on the oboe next at which point he gave me a very unkind look.

We attended a wedding last Saturday. It was lovely and the carvery roast that was served at the reception was perhaps one of the best I've had. The happy couple have had their share of good and bad in the past four years of engagement. In the end it all comes down to love and commitment. I do wish them both well in their continuing journey through life. As they survived Michael's confetti cannon I imagine they will do very nicely in future.

I fear this will be a short post as it is time to wake the boy from his rest. I do mean to petition Ms once more concerning a solution for his snoring. Why a fit boy should snore like that is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps there is something amiss?

I wish you all a lovely day.

Ryan

I do indeed wonder why things happen.

Perhaps in writing this I am seeking to preserve my sanity and my ability to function as I always have.

I'd such lovely high hopes for 2007. There was the promise of new life, and fatherhood, and the joy of every aspect from nappies to first teeth waiting there to experience, and yet it was all taken away.

After the weeks that have passed I am beginning to feel the grief more fully. I dream about her, in particular those few solitary moments when Michael and I held her small, lifeless body and cried. Twice in the past month I have woken myself in tears.

The holiday cruise we took recently did provide a distraction, but afterward I simply felt a great weight of guilt for having put Celestia on a shelf, as if the memory of her was something I should toss aside, like so much rubbish. How utterly selfish, for if her father will not remember her who will?

Also, recently I recieved some very sad news of a friend who has terminal brain cancer. This was totally unexpected as I believed Her to be well and prosperous. I regret that when I was told I reacted poorly and without intent, hurt Her feelings.

I have lost my sense of self control from time to time. I have lashed out at Michael and even used a slightly stern voice with MsV when She pressurised me to give an explanation for my melancholy.

What has happened to me? Why can I not keep my mind focused on being who I am and staying within the boundaries of proper submissive conduct?

I suppose it is also difficult because my mother is beginning to question me
about when Ms and I shall 'try again'. I can not set it out plainly for her as it would only serve to make things worse, but how deeply I would like to tell her I will not embark upon that journey again.

Certain decisions have been made here with regard to parenthood. There are those who would like to partake of that role and those who would not wish to revisit it. Ms and Michael should both like to become parents. I am no longer interested in the prospect. I should never like to go through that completely heartwretching experience ever again in my life. I do not believe I would live through it.

I should not have written tonight. I do not have the heart for it, and it is likely not going to make sense to anyone, not even myself when the dawn comes in the morning.

Ryan

Although I retired for the evening at 10pm I find myself wide awake, yet still fatigued, at 4:30am.  I awoke dreaming that it was Sunday morning, in which case I would be having a nice lie in, only to come to full consciousness and realise with some disappointment that it is Thursday.  I have a full day ahead.

I'm currently making the mental adjustment.  I haven't any idea why I thought today would be Sunday.  Waking amidst a dream I suppose.

I wish I possessed the words to adequately describe Michael's face upon seeing his surprise yesterday afternoon. 

In celebration of his new Beta position, MsV  gifted him with an American sports car in a lovely deep metallic red.  A 2007 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible.   She had considered waiting until the 2008 would be available in the UK but after going over the new specs on that model Ms felt Michael could do without the additional horsepower the '08 offers, where speeds of 190mph+ would be no great feat.  She also felt that it would be more timely to bestow the gift now rather than later.

He was utterly gobsmacked, almost speechless.  When he could speak he asked Ms, twenty times if once, "Is this mine?"  Something She might ordinarily not have had patience with, but that under the circumstances She tolerated and answered repeatedly.

He laughed, cried and hooted aloud, walking round and round the vehicle caressing its finish.  He kissed both Ms (without permission) and myself quite firmly sulla bocca.  Ms laughed and seemed quite pleased with his jubilant reaction.  I'm ever so pleased for him as well.

As one might imagine, I spent the better part of the afternoon in the passenger seat of the car.  Ms had Her turn as well, although breif.  She is still a bit exhausted from our holiday.  Also I believe that riding with Michael here on our roads makes Her a bit nervous.

It is nearly 6am and the boy has his morning chores to begin as well as a few business appointments this afternoon so I shall wake him shortly. 

I do not need to tell you that he has already inquired about taking the new car on his rounds today and Ms has answered in the affirmative.  I suppose I should have an interesting afternoon 'riding shotgun' as he calls it.

I must get on.  I wish all my friends a lovely day.

Ryan 

Even after a wonderful holiday it is always especially nice to come home.  We did arrive back a day earlier than anticipated due to both my mother and I not feeling particularly well.  The flight home from Barcelona was abominable for the two of us feeling poorly.  The turbulance was a bit more than one might normally expect in good weather.  Fortunately we both managed to keep our composure.

But, nevermind, we are home again and refreshed. 

I am quite excited about a delivery that will be coming for Michael today.  He has been given a few clues and is, I must admit, on the right trail. 

The clues:  It is red.  It is American.  It is befitting a boy such as Michael.  I feel as excited as he does which makes a change, lol.  I feel he shall be ever so pleased and that will give both MsV and I great joy.

Fiona reports that there were no troubles or worries whilst we were away.  My mother cat is expecting kittens again, or so it appears.  I've yet to suss just who the offending male is but I highly doubt it is Fiona's ancient tom.  He never hunts and tends to spend most of his waking hours, which are few, in Fie's quarters on the windowsill.  But who can know for sure?

I shall take my leave now and continue with my day.  It looks as though it will be a lovely morning.  If yesterday was any indication of the day to come it will be very pleasant.

Ryan