Looking out my bedroom window I have watched the morning sky blossom from a grey and gloomy overcast to a now brightly blue canopy of light. My mood in the last 24 hours seems to have made a similar transition.

It is not wholly unrelated to the fact that I have a "date" with Victoria this evening. We shall dine at one of our highly favoured restaurants through several courses followed by afters and coffees. All the arrangements have been made by Victoria, although I would not allow her to cover my expenses as She wished to. We shall arrive and depart separately.

The purpose of this meeting for me is to see if anything at all remains of our former relationship and to offer assistance. Nothing in my heart has changed throughout this ordeal.

Knowledge of some events, planned and perpetrated by Victoria, that were less than appropriate and could be considered roundly abusive were the spurs that brought on both Michael's and my departure from the household. But I have not ceased to love Her through it all.

After the loss of Celestia there were many cracks in the foundation of our relationship. As seems to be the case with many committed couples, the loss of a child has the potential to either make or break the union. A traumatic event also lends itself handily to causing mental distress which can often lead to lifechanging breakdowns and severe changes in personality for the persons involved.

I am concerned for Victoria in this. Contrary to the beliefs held by so many internet spectators viewing events from afar, Victoria is by no means an abuser by nature. Until the events of last year She was a firmly dominant but thoroughly loving Mistress.

Despite opinions otherwise from many not in a position to truly know, She has previously always been someone who has loved deeply and cared for Her boys quite well. Like no other, I am in a position to speak with authority on Her character and overall persona.

In plain terms, after eight years of consistantly living in Her care and service I should know who She is to the core.

Other than a breif initial consultation in August of last year, Victoria has refused professional help since we lost our child. Now She is facing Her own limitations and realising that perhaps She cannot recover without assistance. We have spoken a few times on the phone and She does seem quite fragile and a bit bewildered to find Herself in such a state. She deeply regrets the events that transpired the beginning of the year and has profusely apologised to both myself and Michael.

At this stage I have promised to do whatever I can to aid in Her recovery. I should be ever so pleased to see Her on the road to health and stability.

To quash and vanquish the belief that my concern for Victoria and my desire to help Her somehow nullify my love for and loyalty to Michael I shall reveal that in a conversation with Michael yesterday, we both agreed that what I intend to do is for the best. He is in full agreement with my plan to assist Victoria in finding professional help, and following my heart, whilst still keeping my head during the process.

Therefore... I shall look forward to this evening, not without a little trepidation and I shall hope with all my heart that there is something to be saved. To say that I have missed Her is a vast understatement. The past several weeks have been a form of hell I would not wish on anyone.

I shall try to write here soon, as my situation progresses.

CRBG