I should not like to delve too deeply into the reasons for the changes that have occurred in my life since my last posting. Suffice to say that Michael and myself are no longer a part of Ms Victoria's household. We have been away a few weeks now and are currently living with my parents in Cambridge.

To say that I am a broken man is an understatement.

My life lies about me in shattered fragments. Memories that are too sharp and painful to touch must be handled and the pain endured if only for the sake of filing them away. Often they linger persistantly and I must seek solitude to mourn in private.

I am told the heartache will cease or at least be bearable with time, but in my current state of mind numbness is the nearest thing to peace I can attain. I am weary with the seemingly endless spontaneous tears that present at the worst times.

Everywhere I go and each thing I might do reminds me of doing so with or for Victoria. No matter what has transpired, I will always love her. There is no remedy or cure for the brokeness of my vows to serve her for life. Even if there is strong reason... I bear the sorrow of one who is no longer held in the heart of his beloved.

As I stated at the beginning of this entry, I shall not explain the private matters that brought about our parting, but will only say that it was unavoidable.

My issue now is with finding my life and attempting to recover my heart.

I have been within the household since the age of 19. I am now 27. Many are the days I do feel as though I have nothing to show for the past eight years. I am home with my parents, sleeping in the same bedroom as before I left.

Furthermore, I am a disappointment to my father, whom I have completely 'come out' to. The loss of his approval and the pride he had in my position as HM in the service of Ms Victoria are no more.

He states he does still love me but at times can hardly bear the sight of me, knowing what I was involved in. I know he is hurt and does not understand, but how I ache to feel more of his love and acceptance of me as a person, as his son... I miss what we had.

Have I indeed ruined everything with honesty?

My troubled mind shows evidence of itself in many ways.

My obsessive/compulsive tendencies seem to have multiplied of late and I fear I am driving my mother mad with worry and likely aggravation as well. She wishes me to stop cleaning behind her, stop rearranging her books and her pantry, and cease picking at bits of 'flotsam and jetsam' (primarily fuzz or threads and bits of animal fur) on the carpet.

I am restless...

I suppose this may be because I have led a highly regimented life for many years. I have had my life dictated to me, the order of my days set for me by Victoria, and without her I cannot seem to get through a single day as a normal person would. I feel so utterly incomplete... so solitary and lonely for her company.

Even now my eyes are filled with tears. It seems this is something I have no control over.

I am in therapy as I have been since Celestia's passing, but with a new doctor here in Cambridge.

I do hope that in time I shall be better about all this, but for now there is no sanctuary. Even in sleep I am tormented with dreams, often of better times with the woman I have adored all these years, since my youth. When I wake I am here. Alone.

This entry has become a dirge, and I shall not continue it further. Perhaps at another time I will be more able to conduct myself in a manner worthy of entertaining company.

CRBG