Looking out my bedroom window I have watched the morning sky blossom from a grey and gloomy overcast to a now brightly blue canopy of light. My mood in the last 24 hours seems to have made a similar transition.

It is not wholly unrelated to the fact that I have a "date" with Victoria this evening. We shall dine at one of our highly favoured restaurants through several courses followed by afters and coffees. All the arrangements have been made by Victoria, although I would not allow her to cover my expenses as She wished to. We shall arrive and depart separately.

The purpose of this meeting for me is to see if anything at all remains of our former relationship and to offer assistance. Nothing in my heart has changed throughout this ordeal.

Knowledge of some events, planned and perpetrated by Victoria, that were less than appropriate and could be considered roundly abusive were the spurs that brought on both Michael's and my departure from the household. But I have not ceased to love Her through it all.

After the loss of Celestia there were many cracks in the foundation of our relationship. As seems to be the case with many committed couples, the loss of a child has the potential to either make or break the union. A traumatic event also lends itself handily to causing mental distress which can often lead to lifechanging breakdowns and severe changes in personality for the persons involved.

I am concerned for Victoria in this. Contrary to the beliefs held by so many internet spectators viewing events from afar, Victoria is by no means an abuser by nature. Until the events of last year She was a firmly dominant but thoroughly loving Mistress.

Despite opinions otherwise from many not in a position to truly know, She has previously always been someone who has loved deeply and cared for Her boys quite well. Like no other, I am in a position to speak with authority on Her character and overall persona.

In plain terms, after eight years of consistantly living in Her care and service I should know who She is to the core.

Other than a breif initial consultation in August of last year, Victoria has refused professional help since we lost our child. Now She is facing Her own limitations and realising that perhaps She cannot recover without assistance. We have spoken a few times on the phone and She does seem quite fragile and a bit bewildered to find Herself in such a state. She deeply regrets the events that transpired the beginning of the year and has profusely apologised to both myself and Michael.

At this stage I have promised to do whatever I can to aid in Her recovery. I should be ever so pleased to see Her on the road to health and stability.

To quash and vanquish the belief that my concern for Victoria and my desire to help Her somehow nullify my love for and loyalty to Michael I shall reveal that in a conversation with Michael yesterday, we both agreed that what I intend to do is for the best. He is in full agreement with my plan to assist Victoria in finding professional help, and following my heart, whilst still keeping my head during the process.

Therefore... I shall look forward to this evening, not without a little trepidation and I shall hope with all my heart that there is something to be saved. To say that I have missed Her is a vast understatement. The past several weeks have been a form of hell I would not wish on anyone.

I shall try to write here soon, as my situation progresses.

CRBG

I've had a bit of a downward turn since Michael's departure on Saturday.

I couldn't even be bothered to see them to the airport, so great is my fear of falling to tears in a public place. Also, in not going I avoided feelings that would surely have overwhelmed me.

I spent Saturday in bed... sleeping, crying, sighing, and staring at the wall concentrating on feeling as numb as humanly possible.

Sunday evening I got pathetically pissed on a load of bacardi rum, mixed with anything liquid I could find. I drank the second bottle straight.

This morning I was spectacularly sick. Of course this is not much of a surprise.

It was something to occupy the time.

If I am a son to be ashamed of then I shall make it worth his while. I shall be despicable, useless and pathetic. If my current behaviour is any indication of things to come, it will be quite easy.

My mother came to my bedside and spoke to me this afternoon (when I woke up the second time). She is worried, as she would be. She asked me to go for a walk with her and I obliged. She tried to talk to me about how I'm feeling. After the first five minutes of her 'little speech' I asked if we might walk in silence the remainder of the way. We did.

Safely home, I returned to bed and sleep.

It is tea time now. I can smell food but I am not hungry at all. I shall linger a while online and then I suppose it is back to crying, sighing, staring and eventually sleeping... if I am lucky.

CRBG

I should not like to delve too deeply into the reasons for the changes that have occurred in my life since my last posting. Suffice to say that Michael and myself are no longer a part of Ms Victoria's household. We have been away a few weeks now and are currently living with my parents in Cambridge.

To say that I am a broken man is an understatement.

My life lies about me in shattered fragments. Memories that are too sharp and painful to touch must be handled and the pain endured if only for the sake of filing them away. Often they linger persistantly and I must seek solitude to mourn in private.

I am told the heartache will cease or at least be bearable with time, but in my current state of mind numbness is the nearest thing to peace I can attain. I am weary with the seemingly endless spontaneous tears that present at the worst times.

Everywhere I go and each thing I might do reminds me of doing so with or for Victoria. No matter what has transpired, I will always love her. There is no remedy or cure for the brokeness of my vows to serve her for life. Even if there is strong reason... I bear the sorrow of one who is no longer held in the heart of his beloved.

As I stated at the beginning of this entry, I shall not explain the private matters that brought about our parting, but will only say that it was unavoidable.

My issue now is with finding my life and attempting to recover my heart.

I have been within the household since the age of 19. I am now 27. Many are the days I do feel as though I have nothing to show for the past eight years. I am home with my parents, sleeping in the same bedroom as before I left.

Furthermore, I am a disappointment to my father, whom I have completely 'come out' to. The loss of his approval and the pride he had in my position as HM in the service of Ms Victoria are no more.

He states he does still love me but at times can hardly bear the sight of me, knowing what I was involved in. I know he is hurt and does not understand, but how I ache to feel more of his love and acceptance of me as a person, as his son... I miss what we had.

Have I indeed ruined everything with honesty?

My troubled mind shows evidence of itself in many ways.

My obsessive/compulsive tendencies seem to have multiplied of late and I fear I am driving my mother mad with worry and likely aggravation as well. She wishes me to stop cleaning behind her, stop rearranging her books and her pantry, and cease picking at bits of 'flotsam and jetsam' (primarily fuzz or threads and bits of animal fur) on the carpet.

I am restless...

I suppose this may be because I have led a highly regimented life for many years. I have had my life dictated to me, the order of my days set for me by Victoria, and without her I cannot seem to get through a single day as a normal person would. I feel so utterly incomplete... so solitary and lonely for her company.

Even now my eyes are filled with tears. It seems this is something I have no control over.

I am in therapy as I have been since Celestia's passing, but with a new doctor here in Cambridge.

I do hope that in time I shall be better about all this, but for now there is no sanctuary. Even in sleep I am tormented with dreams, often of better times with the woman I have adored all these years, since my youth. When I wake I am here. Alone.

This entry has become a dirge, and I shall not continue it further. Perhaps at another time I will be more able to conduct myself in a manner worthy of entertaining company.

CRBG