I do indeed wonder why things happen.
Perhaps in writing this I am seeking to preserve my sanity and my ability to function as I always have.
I'd such lovely high hopes for 2007. There was the promise of new life, and fatherhood, and the joy of every aspect from nappies to first teeth waiting there to experience, and yet it was all taken away.
After the weeks that have passed I am beginning to feel the grief more fully. I dream about her, in particular those few solitary moments when Michael and I held her small, lifeless body and cried. Twice in the past month I have woken myself in tears.
The holiday cruise we took recently did provide a distraction, but afterward I simply felt a great weight of guilt for having put Celestia on a shelf, as if the memory of her was something I should toss aside, like so much rubbish. How utterly selfish, for if her father will not remember her who will?
Also, recently I recieved some very sad news of a friend who has terminal brain cancer. This was totally unexpected as I believed Her to be well and prosperous. I regret that when I was told I reacted poorly and without intent, hurt Her feelings.
I have lost my sense of self control from time to time. I have lashed out at Michael and even used a slightly stern voice with MsV when She pressurised me to give an explanation for my melancholy.
What has happened to me? Why can I not keep my mind focused on being who I am and staying within the boundaries of proper submissive conduct?
I suppose it is also difficult because my mother is beginning to question me
about when Ms and I shall 'try again'. I can not set it out plainly for her as it would only serve to make things worse, but how deeply I would like to tell her I will not embark upon that journey again.
Certain decisions have been made here with regard to parenthood. There are those who would like to partake of that role and those who would not wish to revisit it. Ms and Michael should both like to become parents. I am no longer interested in the prospect. I should never like to go through that completely heartwretching experience ever again in my life. I do not believe I would live through it.
I should not have written tonight. I do not have the heart for it, and it is likely not going to make sense to anyone, not even myself when the dawn comes in the morning.
Ryan
