It has been a lovely Sunday.

As per my usual custom I travelled to my parents' home for Sunday Roast. Mother is a wonderful cook and I always enjoy her homemade yorkshire puds with the vegetarian gravy She makes especially for me. She still chides me regarding my refusal to consume roasted flesh, stating that I am certainly not taking in enough protein. In order to avoid a 'discussion' and the resulting probability of indigestion I assure her that I am quite well, my GP has declared it so, and she is not to worry.

We had a nice reminiscence this afternoon, of Mrs. Lundstrom and her lovely baked cherry tarts. I especially remember those. Mrs. L was the cook in the household where my father was butler and lived across the courtyard from us on the estate property. I would return home from boarding school on weekends and catch the aroma of home baking wafting on the air. Fresh bread rolls, buns and cakes of every variety, but the cherry tarts were my favourite.

Mrs. Lundstrom was married to Mr. Lundstrom, the gardener, and we were on such familial terms that I was encouraged to address him as Uncle Ted. No children were born of their marriage and thus they doted on me quite shamelessly. In truth, all the servants in the household were like an extended family to me.

Sadly, both of these charming souls have passed on into the next life. Quite often on my visits home we remember them to one another. I had a bit of a sentimental thought on the drive home, a vision in my mind's eye of Uncle Ted cradling my little girl. The thought brought a warmness to my heart and a slight smile to my lips.

This evening finds me a bit weary, but for reasons I can easily identify.

After an impromptu seeding session with MsV, Michael returned to the flat at half 2 this morning, waking me from a deep sleep. I was awake from that time until a quarter of 4 due to the boy's extreme snoring. It would not be unreasonable to equate him with the 125 decibels of a heavy metal rock concert performance. I have made a note in my diary to ring the Doctor's surgery tomorrow and procure an appointment for our human buzzsaw to see what may be done to cure him.

Mother cat was waiting on the doorstep of the flat to greet me when I arrived home. Mewing and creating quite a fuss for attention. I brought her in and we rested in my chair. I, reading over some of my manuscript and stroking her gently, was rewarded with a handsome purring. Her purr is so resonant and throaty. A cat's purr has always comforted me, both the feel and the sound of it. Such a contented girl she is.

Michael comes in from the garden and immediately, taking notice of Mame (mother cat), he strongly entreats me to take her out as he is allergic to cat dander. I oblige him as I know it is the truth. From the fence she looks back at me, eyes squinted against the sun. The very tip of her tail points skyward and twitches ever so slightly as she meows her soft goodbye and makes a move to the stables to join her children. She is a lovely, dear girl.

It seems sentimental thoughts and feelings have ruled the day, and truly that is not discommodious in the least. It is good to remember and to appreciate. It is also good to enjoy some of the simple pleasures that come without a fee attached.

I would like to take this opportunity, in closing, to wish my friend and fellow submissive, Tanomar, a very Happy Birthday. I believe that he will be 50. Enjoy the day, Tan, and the delight in life you share with Ms Juleen. All of us wish you many happy returns of the day.

Ryan

Upon logging on and scrolling down to the bottom of the new "myblog.co.uk" overview I have received a bit of a shock. 

It appears that Michael has taken it upon himself to post pictures of me on his media without asking my permission.  This is likely because he is all too aware of the answer I would have given.  It is this simplest sort of misbehaviour that exasperates me.

What is the benefit to anyone in displaying my photograph on his blog?  His blog is meant to be about himself and his feelings, yes, but in expressing himself he should observe and respect the rights and wishes of others.  He is still falling short of the mark in this one area.  He takes liberties.

I will not say more on the subject here, although I will take it up with him in a few moments when I wake him.

I wish to let all those who have expressed concern for me know that I am well.  I regret worrying anyone as it appears I have done in writing a few of my recent entries here.  It is true that I sometimes struggle with my emotions, but in the name of good self discipline and honour I will press on.  I do not believe it to be too prideful a statement to say that I come from hearty stock.  Those in my family are well renowned for their fortitude and steadfastness.  I am only one link in that chain.

It does not upset me that Michael, the Goddess willing, will father a child with MsVictoria.  For my longstanding readers, you will remember It is not as though I have always had Her attentions to myself.  I came into this household as a third boy.  I learnt early on to appreciate any of the priceless moments She focused on me and gave me Her love.

I am still that boy.  I am still ever true and willing to submit to Her desires and tend fully to Her needs. 

What is love anyway?  It is the giving of one's self fully and completely.  It is the strong feeling in the breast that makes the heart quicken whenever the object of one's affection comes into view, or enters the mind.  It is knowing that at the very depths of my being that Her happiness is mine.  That has not changed and were I one to wager I would lay money to say it never will.

It is fair to say, that even if we were not living a D/s lifestyle Ms Victoria would still own me.  I have loved Her intensely nearly from the night She took me home.  I have given my heart, my mind and my soul to Her for as long as I live.

I must begin my day now.  I thank my friends for their concern and their kindness toward me.  I do not wish to be a burden to anyone.  I wish to be a blessing and a friend to lean on when required,  for the old addage is true:  it is better to give than to receive.

Ryan

It has been some time since we've had any rain. It isn't exactly pissing it down (pardon me) but it is enough that the plants may have a decent drink and revive themselves.

I'm feeling a bit better. I've been on medication for 4 weeks which is meant to help. My doctor did say it takes a bit of time to make a change but perhaps it is doing so. It was a bit of a disappointment to need that sort of assistance I suppose, but one does what one must.

Michael's piano lessons are coming on well enough. He can find middle C and he has mastered playing fortissimo without being taught. (chuckles) He is not shy about it, and actually is a good student. I told him we shall take on the oboe next at which point he gave me a very unkind look.

We attended a wedding last Saturday. It was lovely and the carvery roast that was served at the reception was perhaps one of the best I've had. The happy couple have had their share of good and bad in the past four years of engagement. In the end it all comes down to love and commitment. I do wish them both well in their continuing journey through life. As they survived Michael's confetti cannon I imagine they will do very nicely in future.

I fear this will be a short post as it is time to wake the boy from his rest. I do mean to petition Ms once more concerning a solution for his snoring. Why a fit boy should snore like that is beyond my comprehension. Perhaps there is something amiss?

I wish you all a lovely day.

Ryan

I do indeed wonder why things happen.

Perhaps in writing this I am seeking to preserve my sanity and my ability to function as I always have.

I'd such lovely high hopes for 2007. There was the promise of new life, and fatherhood, and the joy of every aspect from nappies to first teeth waiting there to experience, and yet it was all taken away.

After the weeks that have passed I am beginning to feel the grief more fully. I dream about her, in particular those few solitary moments when Michael and I held her small, lifeless body and cried. Twice in the past month I have woken myself in tears.

The holiday cruise we took recently did provide a distraction, but afterward I simply felt a great weight of guilt for having put Celestia on a shelf, as if the memory of her was something I should toss aside, like so much rubbish. How utterly selfish, for if her father will not remember her who will?

Also, recently I recieved some very sad news of a friend who has terminal brain cancer. This was totally unexpected as I believed Her to be well and prosperous. I regret that when I was told I reacted poorly and without intent, hurt Her feelings.

I have lost my sense of self control from time to time. I have lashed out at Michael and even used a slightly stern voice with MsV when She pressurised me to give an explanation for my melancholy.

What has happened to me? Why can I not keep my mind focused on being who I am and staying within the boundaries of proper submissive conduct?

I suppose it is also difficult because my mother is beginning to question me
about when Ms and I shall 'try again'. I can not set it out plainly for her as it would only serve to make things worse, but how deeply I would like to tell her I will not embark upon that journey again.

Certain decisions have been made here with regard to parenthood. There are those who would like to partake of that role and those who would not wish to revisit it. Ms and Michael should both like to become parents. I am no longer interested in the prospect. I should never like to go through that completely heartwretching experience ever again in my life. I do not believe I would live through it.

I should not have written tonight. I do not have the heart for it, and it is likely not going to make sense to anyone, not even myself when the dawn comes in the morning.

Ryan

Although I retired for the evening at 10pm I find myself wide awake, yet still fatigued, at 4:30am.  I awoke dreaming that it was Sunday morning, in which case I would be having a nice lie in, only to come to full consciousness and realise with some disappointment that it is Thursday.  I have a full day ahead.

I'm currently making the mental adjustment.  I haven't any idea why I thought today would be Sunday.  Waking amidst a dream I suppose.

I wish I possessed the words to adequately describe Michael's face upon seeing his surprise yesterday afternoon. 

In celebration of his new Beta position, MsV  gifted him with an American sports car in a lovely deep metallic red.  A 2007 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible.   She had considered waiting until the 2008 would be available in the UK but after going over the new specs on that model Ms felt Michael could do without the additional horsepower the '08 offers, where speeds of 190mph+ would be no great feat.  She also felt that it would be more timely to bestow the gift now rather than later.

He was utterly gobsmacked, almost speechless.  When he could speak he asked Ms, twenty times if once, "Is this mine?"  Something She might ordinarily not have had patience with, but that under the circumstances She tolerated and answered repeatedly.

He laughed, cried and hooted aloud, walking round and round the vehicle caressing its finish.  He kissed both Ms (without permission) and myself quite firmly sulla bocca.  Ms laughed and seemed quite pleased with his jubilant reaction.  I'm ever so pleased for him as well.

As one might imagine, I spent the better part of the afternoon in the passenger seat of the car.  Ms had Her turn as well, although breif.  She is still a bit exhausted from our holiday.  Also I believe that riding with Michael here on our roads makes Her a bit nervous.

It is nearly 6am and the boy has his morning chores to begin as well as a few business appointments this afternoon so I shall wake him shortly. 

I do not need to tell you that he has already inquired about taking the new car on his rounds today and Ms has answered in the affirmative.  I suppose I should have an interesting afternoon 'riding shotgun' as he calls it.

I must get on.  I wish all my friends a lovely day.

Ryan 

Even after a wonderful holiday it is always especially nice to come home.  We did arrive back a day earlier than anticipated due to both my mother and I not feeling particularly well.  The flight home from Barcelona was abominable for the two of us feeling poorly.  The turbulance was a bit more than one might normally expect in good weather.  Fortunately we both managed to keep our composure.

But, nevermind, we are home again and refreshed. 

I am quite excited about a delivery that will be coming for Michael today.  He has been given a few clues and is, I must admit, on the right trail. 

The clues:  It is red.  It is American.  It is befitting a boy such as Michael.  I feel as excited as he does which makes a change, lol.  I feel he shall be ever so pleased and that will give both MsV and I great joy.

Fiona reports that there were no troubles or worries whilst we were away.  My mother cat is expecting kittens again, or so it appears.  I've yet to suss just who the offending male is but I highly doubt it is Fiona's ancient tom.  He never hunts and tends to spend most of his waking hours, which are few, in Fie's quarters on the windowsill.  But who can know for sure?

I shall take my leave now and continue with my day.  It looks as though it will be a lovely morning.  If yesterday was any indication of the day to come it will be very pleasant.

Ryan