At approximately 2:27am the door to the flat was opened and slammed. 

I could hear heavy breathing of the sort that one would do had one been running for his life.  Something slams on the table in the dining area, perhaps a hand.  This sound was quickly followed by that of the chair legs skidding a bit on the floor, trying to bear up under the weight of someone who has just fallen into the chair.

I suppose quite a few people would be alerted  by some sense of danger at this juncture, having been awoken by sounds that could very well have been made by a someone attempting to burgle the house.  I was startled at first, as no one should have been entering the premises, but it didnt take me long to realise who it was.

I got up and found the boy sitting open legged, leaning forward with his head in his hands, breathing heavily. 

"Whats wrong?"  I ask.
"Nothing." He answers.
"Why aren't you with Mistress?"

No answer

"Michael, answer me.  Why aren't You with Mistress?"
"I'm just not."  he replies, after coughing a bit and clearing his throat.

Hes sounding a bit irritated under the surface and inwardly I feel the strong urge to go to the house and check on Ms, but I don't.

"Thats not an answer." I tell him.
"Its my answer." he snaps and heads for the bedroom discarding articles of clothing as he goes.  Of course this is very irritating to me and I follow in his wake collecting the clothes.

He showers and I leave him to it, putting his wet  with sweat shirt and shorts in the laundry basket. 

When he comes out I ask if he has upset Ms and he states quite plainly that he has not and its nothing to do with Her.  He tells me She is sleeping soundly. 

"Do you promise that, Michael?'  I ask.
"I swear it.' He replies and gets in bed.

Within minutes he is snoring soundly. 

I will get to the core of this attitude and disruption this morning. 

Ryan

I wish to share one of the latest pictures of Celestia via 3d scan.  It makes my heart swell with pride to know I have had a part in the creation of this beautiful little girl.  I simply cannot wait to hold Her in my arms.

For the next week, Michael will be having singular attention time with MsV.  I will be spending my evenings alone here in the boy's flat. 

I do believe the singular time is important for Michael, as Ms and I have been off to ourselves a bit lately with the anniversary of my service and concerns about the pregnancy.  Naturally, neither Ms nor myself wish to neglect our boy.
 
Michael has made quite a turnabout since Damon's visit with us.  He is much more focused and determined.  He seems to have glimpsed a bit of the deeper delights of service in Damon, who will be celebrating his 18th year of service to his Mistress in October of this year.  Damon's charisma and gentle enthusiasm always prove invaluable when dealing with a boy who is starting to stray from the path.  Michael's recent departure into "the land of Ms J in Washington" had caused him to lose focus and had been interfering with his training programme.  I suppose it proved what we already knew, that Michael can be swayed by affection to some degree, as all humans can be.

Presently Michael is throwing himself into his tasks.  His manners are impeccable now, as they should be, with just enough of the cheeky, entertaining boy shining through.  He is finally finding the balance between propriety and hilarity. (smile)

The cautiously happy news is that he has informed Mistress and myself in writing yesterday that if offered the Beta position again, he will accept it.  This was a voluntary act, not prompted by coercion of any sort.  In fact it was quite unexpected.  Within the letter there was a full confession of his misdeeds and his willingness to take as long as is required to rebuild Mistress' trust in him.  In the letter he also brought up the subject of having a child of his own with MsV.  She has discussed this with him these past several months as a possible option.  

Some will undoubtably ask how I feel about Michael conceiving a child with Mistress.  I can say with complete honesty that it does not upset me.  The boy has worked his way into both of our hearts so deeply.  It is true that I am tempted to feel slight twinges of jealousy from time to time.  I am human, afterall, but I recognise the wrong feelings quickly and banish them.  In service, pure from the heart service, there is no place for jealousy.  If my purpose in life is to please Her then I must rid myself of selfishness and foolish emotions that will only cause derision.  With Michael it is very easy to feel more joy for him than petty jealousy.  Perhaps that is because I love him and wish for him to share in the happiness that Ms and I have.

There also seems to be a very common belief amongst some people that Triad relationships do not work.  I would agree that they often have less chance for success than do Duo relationships because there is the complexity of three persons verses two.  But when there is structure and a common goal for the two boys, and when there is also love between those boys it can be a very pleasing union.  I know that Ms has this hope, as do I, that the three of us will find our happiness in life together.

During this time that Ms is spending with Michael I will do a bit of writing in the evenings.  Ms and I have discussed possible publication of some of my experiences, blending in just enough fiction where needed to protect our privacy and keep the momentum going where it might tend to slow down.  I'm looking forward to the challenge. 

Ryan   

Mistress and I have returned home to an extremely clean house and the delicious smells of good food that has been prepared.  Michael and Damon were there to great us at the airport and we have returned here to the house a short time ago. 

Although our time in Vienna was exquisite, there is little better in this life than the sense of returning home to the place you belong.  Our time away was very peaceful, relaxing and precious for its rememberances. 

When we arrived at our accomodation we opened the door to find the front room of the suite filled with long cut red, pink and pale yellow coloured roses in beautifully cut crystal vases.  One dozen for each of our seven years together.  The arouma was overwhelming.  Two bottles of champagne were on ice awaiting our arrival.  Ms looked at me as if to say 'Have you done this?'  I informed Her that I was as baffled by the gifts as She was. 

We read the card attached to one of the arrangements to find that our dear Michael had arranged for this surprise.  Smiles to the lips and tears to the eyes, his thoughtfulness brought him into the moment, sharing it with us even across the miles. 

Even though Ms should refrain from drink She insisted on toasting our anniversary and Michael's turnaround, from confused young lad, to faithful submissive boy. Romantically we shared the glass, our minds lingering on the same thoughts of happy times, past, present and future.

As if that were not enough we were informed by the hotel staff that a special dinner had been arranged for us at Cafe Restaurant Landtmann.  This had also been paid for and arranged by Michael.  We were both so surprised and touched that he should do so much for us.

For the occasion of my 7th year in service, I presented Ms with a diamond bracelet She has been admiring as well as an evening gown made to measure for Her current bodily state.  She has been a bit discouraged with the offerings of maturnity evening apparel.  I was concerned that She might be displeased with the dark crimson colour, but judging from Her reaction upon trying it on, She was well pleased.  When She wore it the following evening I could not seem to take my eyes from Her all night.   

We did a bit of walking on Thursday and also looked in on Haus der Musik and Vienna's Museum of Fine Art on Friday.  Twas all very awe inspiring and something neither of us shall forget.

My yearly review was acceptable, but MsV showed me that there are a few finer points that I must turn my attentions to, especially in light of Celestia's arrival in a few short weeks.  Ms would hasten to say that those 'short weeks' will feel quite long to Her.

We took some time to speak of the commitment ceremony, which will take the place of the wedding my father wanted.  We both feel that it is best done after the birth.  The time for planning would be so short if we attempted to have it before, and Ms is often rather tired these days.  She does not need the extra added strain of planning an event. 

We had a lovely time but, as I have said, I am happy to return home.  I am a very contented man.  I live a very enchanted life here with the woman I deeply love.  I would not change anything in my life.

Ryan 

I'm feeling much better this evening than I did this morning.  By lunch I had an appetite, which was a good sign that I would not become ill.  If this is sympathetic morning sickness, my body is a bit behind the game.

I wish to say something about the new banner drawing by Sartax.  As much as I abhor messiness and filth; as much as I am bothered by disorder, the picture depicts something that I can deeply appreciate. 

I have found satisfaction in those times when MsV has put me on display in an embarrassing situation.  Humiliation, for me, is a delicious thrill and this She knows full well.  On the rare occasions when I have been humiliated before an average number of 8-10 Dommes, as well as their boys, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Being featured in this way has usually been done as a reward or treat for me as recognition for outstanding service or for a special gift giving occasion such as my birthday.

Tomorrow I will begin packing my case and Mistress' cases for our holiday.  I am looking forward to my time alone with Her. 

Ryan   

I'm not feeling incredibly well this morning.  I have woken up bright and early, not even waiting the customary 15 minutes to get up after the alarm went off.  But already I've noticed that my tum is not feeling normal.  I have much to do today and haven't really the time to be ill. 

There is the travel and away time that MsV and I have scheduled beginning the middle of the week.  I mustn't ruin that. 

Slightly queasy, even toast does not appeal to me at the moment, nor a cuppa.

I'm not usually lazy but I feel like curling up in my duvet, assuming the foetal position and attempting to go back to sleep.  It would be best I not think on that for long.  It certainly sounds tempting but it is not an option.

Michael is still asleep.  Even curling up behind his softly snoring form and getting a little extra warmth to my stomach sounds lovely, but I cannot do it.  I shall attempt to make a start, taking a shower and getting dressed as I feel a chill, and see how it goes.  As usual I will wake him at half past 6 to tend the horses.

I hope all my friends have a lovely day today.

Ryan

This week Mistress and myself will have a bit of time to celebrate the seven years I have been in Her service.  We intend on taking a brief holiday in mainland Europe this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, returning on Saturday morning.  Ms felt that anything more than that would be a bit too tiring for Her and also we shan't impose upon Ms Liz for any longer length of time to mind Michael whilst we are away.

Ms wishes to do little more than relax and spend time in one another's company.  I have no doubt it will be very peaceful and enjoyable and I am looking forward to it.

It will probably come as no surprise to my frequent readers that I believe being accepted by Mistress was the greatest turning point in my adult life.  To have been chosen from a bevy of strong and capable lads who were older and probably a bit more mature than I was at the time, is somewhat amazing to me in hindsight. 

I have inquired of Her many times through the years as to the reasons for Her choice that night.  Her answers are sometimes slightly vague, which is in keeping with Her rights as my owner.  Any information given me that is not needed for my service to Her is a gift of sorts.  One of the answers I cherish and hold to my heart is, "I simply knew you were the one."  

I do have a tendency to feel my emotions quite deeply and it is not unusual for me to be so moved  by a tenderness extended, that my eyes well up with tears.  Ms will be bringing the recordings and both my journals and Her own.  She laughs saying this will take a suitcase on it's own to carry seven years of recordings, written, audio and video inclusive.

This is the protocol for each year.  A reviewing, start to finish, of my performance, of events and special moments as well as an examination of those times when I could have done better.  It is highly emotional for the both of us.

I would like to publically thank Ms Victoria for Her graciousness to me, for Her guidance and strong hand in disciplining me to be a better person.  Some boys will refer to their Mistresses as 'goddess' in a vein of formality, but I do so, in reference to my Goddess Victoria, with the purest form of love a human heart can hold.

I love You deeply, Ms, with all that I am, and I vow to do so to the end of my days.

With Unfailing Devotion I remain,
C. Ryan Barrington Gray  

Often times, when I am walking alone or even in the presence of Michael on one of those rare occasions when he is silent, thoughts are always drifting through my mind.  This is probably true of everyone I'm sure. 

Midmorning on Friday I was walking alone on the path.  There was stillness apart from birdsong above me in the trees and the sound of the breeze blowing through the leaves.  A pair of blackbirds on the path did not seem all that bothered by my presence and  I was able to come quite close to them before they took wing, flying to a perch a reasonable distance away.  I had a feeling I often get when walking alone on the path in my natural state, feeling as though I were the first man on earth.  

Nothing within my range of vision is manmade.  The sun filters through the trees and various small animals, particularly birds and squirrels, scamper around almost as if I were not there.  

I've read the bible as literature so I am familiar with the tale of Adam and Eve, the famous first couple ever to grace the earth.  This is perhaps one of the few points that the Hebrew, Christian and Islamic faiths agree upon.  

So I ponder.  What would it have been like to be the first man, to be Adam?

To be surrounded by a paradise, pure and unpolluted.  To have a mutually fearless communion with all the other species on earth.  And if it were as it is written, no really taxing work to do apart from tending a garden which yielded delicious fruit to eat.

So after having a bit of fun naming all the animals and eating all the fruits provided Adam realised he didn't have a companion.  There must have been female animals as the writings say Adam noticed he did not have a mate and was suddenly lonely.  He felt incomplete I suppose and I can certainly understand why.

I walk a little further on the path, and further into my fantasy.

I half expect my beautiful Eve to present Herself around the next bend in the path.  In thinking of Eve and how perfectly lovely She must have seemed to the bewildered man a question pops into my head.  One of those 'what if' questions.  

What if Eve had been first? 
How would the world have been different? 
Would it have been different? 
Would She have taken the lead or would Adam still have done so?
If we do not buy into the creation story, at what point in our evolution did our world become dominated by men?
From the very beginning?
Why?  Due to size and physical strength?

So many questions.  My reverie was spoilt by them but nonetheless it was food for thought. 

Does anyone in blogland have any thoughts on the subject?

Ryan   

The 5:00 news on Classic FM, followed by the very soothing voice of Malena Ernman singing Carman's Habanera.  This brings a smile to my lips.  What a lovely way to wake up. (meaning of course the music, not the news)

I have a little routine I follow every morning.  The alarm goes off at 5 and I lie there for about fifteen minutes half listening to the news and any music broadcast at that time.  I will do a bit of stretching, as you do, prior to sitting up and throwing my legs over the side.  If I have slept in the main house I am now facing a window directly east from which I can size up the current weather conditions.

This morning's dawn held all the loveliest shades of purple, pink and gold.  The sky is currently clear but the day may bring whatever it wishes and is not obligated to be pleasant.

I've laid out the apparel for today and will soon have to dress.  I have not worn that ballerina costume in ages.  I'm trying to recall if the netting was terribly itchy or not.  I should not have to wonder for long.

Michael is still asleep.  His hands folded under his cheek, he lays on his side, his mouth open but not making noise.  He's one of those men that look incredibly boyish when asleep.  I think he reverts back in age when he sleeps, perhaps physically and mentally in his dreams.  Once in a while his legs twitch a bit.  Perhaps he is running, or chasing a ball.  How youthful he looks, the puppy boy, without a care in the world. 

The cares shall soon start as I rouse him at 6:30.  I imagine he will use all his stored up pitiful faces and sad voices to escape having to be the femme de charge du jour.   All the protest, passive or aggressive will not gain him a reprieve.

Michael and I, had wagered situations and lost... thus tomorrow I shall wear the tutu and tiara, and michael must wear... (and I am struggling not to laugh myself into utter madness here) the french maid's costume complete with net stockings.  He continues to claim that the game was fixed, but I think we all know that is not the case.

I fear MsV will have out the camera tomorrow.  I sense that Michael will be a bit more unhappy about that than myself.

Ryan

After reading Ms Diane Vera's Listing of the Nine Degrees of Submssion I find myself easily at the eighth degree, and very near the ninth, which many believe to be impossible in a consensual setting.

In this listing (see below) I'm sure you'll realise that one represents the lowest end of the scale and, and nine the highest. So, you might ask, why aren't you a nine, Ryan?

Although I am fully committed to obeying and honouring MsV's wishes, there are a few things that I cannot bring myself to do.

I do have limits that Mistress and I have agreed upon. Two that instantly come to mind are the consideration of my vegetarianism and my claustrophobia. On that basis I can not put myself into the Ninth Degree catagory. Also, not that Ms would ever ask me to do such a thing, I could not take a human or animal's life, unless it was in the defense of Ms, another human being, or myself. I could not wound or maim deliberately. I am aware that these are extremes, but nonetheless they are limits.

I will post the full list for your reading pleasure. I realise that some may be familiar with it and others may not be.

The Nine Degrees Of Submission

The Outright Non-Submissive Masochist or Kinky Sensualist - First Degree
Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up of control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms for the masochist's own pleasure (ie: being turned on solely or mainly by one's own bodily sensations, rather than being turned on by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

Pseudo-Submissive Non-Slave - Second Degree
Not into even playing "slave", but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g.: schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

Pseudo-Submissive PLAY Slave - Third Degree
Likes to play at being slave. Likes to *feel* subservient; may in some cases like to *feel* that one is being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism; and may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshippers).

True Submissive Non-Slave - Fourth Degree
Really gives up control (though only temporarily and within agreed upon limits), but gets his/her main satisfaction from aspects of submission *other than* serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up of responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seeks mainly her/his own *direct* pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

True Submissive PLAY Slave - Fifth Degree
Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets his/her main satisfaction from serving and being used by the dominant - but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. (May or may not be into pain, but if so, is turned on by pain *indirectly*, ie: enjoys being the objects of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places few requirements or restrictions.)

Uncommitted Short-term but More-than-Play Semi-Slave - Sixth Degree
Really gives up control (though usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/non-erotic as well as fun/ erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one's Mistress/Master, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when he or she will serve.

Part-time Consensual but REAL Slave - Seventh Degree
Has ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship, and regards oneself as the Mistress'/Master's "property" at all times. Wants to obey and please her/him in all aspects of life - practical/non-erotic as well as fun/erotic. Devotes most of one's time to other commitments (eg: job) but the Mistress/Master has first pick of the slave's free time.

Full-time Live-in Consensual Slave - Eighth Degree
Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/ himself as existing solely for the Mistress'/Master's use, pleasure and well- being. The slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male (since men certainly aren't socially pressured into this kind of lifestyle). Within the S/M world, a full-time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

Consensual Total Slave with No Limits - Ninth Degree
A common fantasy ideal which probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures, and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely *anything* for your Mistress/ Master, with no limits at all. There are a few who claim to be no-limits slaves, but in all cases it would be reasonable to doubt the claim.

If you are a submissive which level do you find yourself at? Which level might be your goal to attain?

If You are a Dominant, which level of submissive is best suited to Your requirements? Of those that frequently apply for service, which catagory do You feel the majority fit into?

No matter where you figure into the equation or even if you are completely vanilla, I would enjoy hearing/reading your views.

Ryan

("Nine Degrees of Submission" taken from The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, edited by Pat Califia, from Lace/Alyson Press, Copyright © 1984 and 1988, Diane Vera, published in Boston, 1988, reissued 1990)

"Dearest, you're in the wars."

This seems to be one of my mother's more compassionate phrases spoken when someone She knows is in a difficult situation.  I spoke on the phone with her last evening for an extended period of time with the end result being that I felt a bit better.

A good mother seems to be able to soothe her child, even when that child is 26 years old.  And is that really any surprise?  She's been doing it all your life hasn't she?
 
From the moment the nurses hand the baby to her, to the scrapes, splinters and illnesses of childhood, she is ever present.  Later its the heartaches and disappointments you struggle with as you make your way through the awkward years from boy to man. My mother seemed to know almost intuitively when to extend a hand and when to stand off and let me have my space.

As an adult most of us have learnt how to face difficulties on our own or with the support of others in our lives.  But there will always be something magical about the compassionate caring voice of the one that gave you life.

The conversation went on over an hour.  Naturally I didn't give her all the intimate details of the more private issues, but I didn't need to.  She was able to sense my sorrow and quizzed me a bit so I told her about the music and the remaining feelings between father and myself.  I left out the other situations involving Michael and MsV's blood pressure.

On a totally separate subject, neither Michael nor myself are feeling very well this morning.  I've been up several times in the night with tummy troubles.  Michael says he feels the same.  As we slept in the boy's flat last night I do not know how Ms is feeling.  If we all are unwell I might question last night's tea.

Ryan

I do feel a bit better this morning.  I slept very well as is usually the case when Mistress allows Michael and myself to remain in Her bed with Her.  It is pleasant to reach out in one's sleep and feel the physical presence of a loved one.  I find it very reassuring and I usually sleep quite deeply as a result.

This morning I suddenly realised that I have not blogged about Michael's decision to leave us when his training is completed.  You must all have thought me completely mad, or ridiculously sensitive without cause.  He has informed us that he will be leaving for Washington State after his training (February 2008)  to become the alpha submissive of a Domme in that area.  This was the primary reason for my sorrow the evening before last.

The additional thought I refer to in my title is yet another reason I am feeling disappointed and dismayed.  I contracted pnemonia at the end of last year, in fact it was Christmas week.  I am primarily a woodwind musician and sadly since the illness I have never fully recovered the capacity my lungs had previously.  My playing is not to the standard it was and I do often wonder if it ever will return to normal.  Dear heavens I very nearly pray it will. 

Sadly, due to my reduced ability, I was forced to resign my position with the orchestra last month.
 
I miss it ever so much. 

I console myself through these difficult times with affirmations of what I believe to be the truth.  That all is not lost and life will become more upbeat and cheerful again.  It does seem to come in waves, the happy heights and the low valleys.  The valleys are to test my strength, and to make me appreciate the good I have had in my life.  They are times when I will stretch to see the positives, which are always there but too frequently taken for granted.. 

My life is changing in some ways, and remaining the same in others.  I apologise for being such a whinger.  My blog is a place I can express the things in my heart, which of late have been a bit melancholy. 

I must get on with my day as it is nearly half past six.

I wish all my friends a lovely day.

Ryan

I'm feeling rather run down today.  Last evening I had a bit of an emotional meltdown and perhaps that has something to do with my lack of energy.

Ms is having difficulties with blood pressure during this pregnancy.  Her doctor is addressing this, but I have also been attempting to shield Her from any additional worry or stress.  When She is feeling miserable, physically tired, or sad due to the situation with Michael, I do my utmost to comfort and reassure Her.   The last thing She needs is to be burdened with my problems so I have kept them to myself. 
 
Last night I could no longer hold back my own emotion over current events. 

MsV had called Michael and myself to Her room for communion (different meaning to the religious rite) and as Michael performed his part I stroked his hair and gazed down into his face. I could not help but think of how dear he is to me... and how in less that a year we may be separated for the rest of our lives.  It was simply too much to bear.  Our bonding ritual came to a grinding halt.

I confessed all to Ms and to Michael.  How the situation with father was still on my mind, how I was worried about Ms and Celestia with regard to the blood pressure issue, but mostly how I could not imagine Michael's presence forever gone from our home.  I imagined all the saddest case scenarios and spoke them aloud.  How Celestia will never truly know Her Uncle Michael,  how if he does indeed have children or if something dreadful happens to him I will not know...  if he leaves us I will never know what has become of him.

I am very fortunate to have an understanding Mistress and a good sub brother.  Both of them were very compassionate.  Both held me close and tried to reassure me.  Why do we always tell a distraught person, 'It will be all right.'   It certainly does not feel like it will be all right.

We spent the rest of the evening in MsV's bed, the candles still lit and flickering, where we talked and remembered so many things.  I recalled when Michael first arrived here.  Ms had sent me to collect him from the airport.  I had a picture of him and even with that he managed to get by me.  We spent thirty minutes after he'd walked through the international arrivals area at Gatwick, searching for each other.  Eventually an announcement was made asking me to come to a certain area and we met up.  He was nervous but did what he always does in uncharted territory.  He joked and asked a million questions over the next three hours drive home.  We also laughed about our conker escapades this past autumn, and about his tricking MsV into buying him a hamster.

We talked about my early days here on the estate, which Michael enjoyed thoroughly.  Ms remembered a lot of things I do not, but I do not question Her memories.  I was quite an obstinate little snob back then and I'm sure the things She remembered last night did really happen.  Lol, I probably choose to forget.

This morning Ms told us She is considering disallowing either of us online apart from blog writing or required research. She says that She regrets the decision to allow us to so much free time on AOL as this is partially how we find ourselves in this sad predicament with Michael.

Ryan