Just an example of the sort of things MsV, Michael and myself have been working on in the evenings and on Sunday afternoons.  See Below:

I'm most pleased to relay the news that Michael's aunt has come through her surgery and is faring quite well.  Michael has elected to stay in hospital with her and therefore last evening was a very quiet time here at home.  It possibly goes without saying that Michael is the sort of person of whose presence one is ever aware.  This is not to say that he is annoying.  Far from it.  He is full of life and enthusiasm and the house itself seems exceedingly silent without his laughter and occasional silly quips to fill the air. 

He seems in better spirits with this hurdle of Ms Grace's surgery behind him.  We spoke at length last evening about life and the mysteries therein.  Ms Grace is a christian woman, but not the sort that condemns or converts by prophesying fire and damnation.  She is a quiet lady with a strong spirit. 

Upon conversing with Michael I can see how, perhaps over the years, Ms Grace has subtly planted her seeds of faith in him.  He does believe in the christian God and confided in me that he has prayed fervently over the past few weeks.  This I can understand.  When matters are out of our hands we desperately need to feel that a benevolent higher being is in control and will heed our pleas for help.  It has been very touching to see how Michael interacts with Ms Grace.  I do not believe he could love her any more if she were indeed his own mother.   

We are not 'out of the woods' yet but the patient is strong in body and in spirit and perhaps even I will attempt to send a prayer or two on the wing to that self same higher power; this God of Ms Grace's who must be of some substance to have empowered her to do all that she has in bringing up our boy and maintaining her fullness and zest for life and all that is good.

Tomorrow at 2pm MsV and I will see our little one for the first time.  I am indeed excited.  I will post an entry with the news tomorrow and perhaps a picture if they give us one on disc that I can tranfer to the computer.

It's still so amazing, this miracle of life.

Ryan

As I compose this entry my brother, Michael, is using his computer time rather frivilously, playing games online.  I suppose he is also lying in wait for the woman he is infatuated with currently. He is young and adventurous at heart and if he is not mindful he will find himself in treacherous waters.  I am of the opinion that what he is involved in with this admittedly attractive woman is fruitless and foolish. 

There is so little that he has truly grasped of the life that we lead here and the foundations of our family.  All harmonious workings are based on the wishes of Mistress, and all revolve around the preservation of Her happiness via our faithful servitude.

I have hope that one day soon he will draw out these conclusions for himself.  Until such time I will gently nudge him toward enlightenment, as any older brother who has concerns should do.  He should not be bothered with the outside world and its folly in so much as it interfers with his life here.  The heart of our joy and livlihood lies within these estate walls, and within our relationship to one another.  He is an intricate part of this dynamic now.  Soon deeply hidden doors will be opened to him, and what is revealed there will seal his place with us.

We face a very busy week presently.  It is a week in which issues of a physical nature will take hold of us and steer us as fate dictates.  Ms Grace's surgery and MsV's scan are pending.  I will keep concerned friends abreast of the developments. 

As if all of that were not enough, it seems that MsV's little dog has a chronic illness and we do not know how long he will endure it.  Max has been diagnosed by our veterinarian with tracheal collapse, as of the 16th.  There is little they can do to help apart from prescribing doses of medication that help to clear his lungs and ease the inflamation and pain.  It is a pitiful sight to witness, when he struggles, coughing and sputtering, to breathe.  MsV will not allow anyone else to dispense his remedies to him, but insists on doing so Herself.

I will share my other claustraphobic incident with you next time.

Faithfully,
Ryan

Time has passed, as it will.  MsV and Michael have returned home bringing Ms Grace with them.  Before their arrival I had been charged with making ready a room for our guest.  This I took to with great delight using natural colours that imitated sun and sky.  This would please Ms Grace according to her adopted son.  And it appears he was correct.  She seems very happy with my efforts and her new room.

The blue used in Ms Grace's room is thus: 
The yellow used in Ms Grace's room is thus:

I have to admit freely now that these two colours do seem to make that room a much sunnier place than it was previously.  To continue along with a natural theme I also chose to place a few indoor potted plants in the room.  With some of the purse money set aside for household projects I purchased a new Queen Anne bed and crisp new linens as well as a new floor lamp and a daylight magnifing lamp by which Ms Grace may do her needlework. 

Below is a picture of the bedding I bought:

My attention to detail proved its worth when the family returned home.  Ms Grace and Michael were suitably impressed.  It brought real joy to my heart to see their faces when I showed them the room.  MsV privately spoke to me of Her approval later that evening.  A daybed was also purchased in the event that Ms Grace needs Michael to attend her of an evening during her recooperation from surgery and her subsequent therapies.

I love Ms Grace's accent.  Its warm and rich intonation is so calming and so very pronounced with her southern United States upbringing.  If I may quote her, upon seeing the room she said, 'Oh my goodness, Isn't that just the most beautiful thing you ever seen?'  She insisted that the room was too good for her and that I should not have gone to all the trouble.  I assured her it was my pleasure to put it all together.  Yes, I did quite enjoy it.

Also during the family's time away I painted the baby's room.  MsV chose the colours which are as follows:

The primary colour is thus:
The trim colour is thus:

MsV has decided that we should use the antique baby cot that has been in Her family for five generations.  We will consult an expert about the safety issues but MsV has said that if five generations have survived it then it is likely safe enough.  It will be stripped and refinished by Michael and myself sometime in the next few months.

The scan date approachs this week.  If it is possible we will learn the sex of the child.  It has been moved to Thursday now, at 2pm.  I will admit to feeling a bit excited about this.  

My next entry will be about my claustrophobia and what I consider my most traumatic panic attack.  Any Domme savouring mental torture will likely enjoy the account.

Ryan 

It's morning here in Norfolk.  One look out of any window reveals a thickness of fog rolled out across the landscape like a Norse god's breath.  The fog, indicative of a mighty exhale expelled heavily at dawn's first light. 

I've been awake since 4:00 and at that time the sky was clear, the only outstanding feature, a stark white moon hung high in the west.  I stood at the landing window and stared at it for a few silent moments.  I have many thoughts casting about in my head, many emotions churning the otherwise calm waters of my soul and can not find the means to quiet them.

I am trying to remain positive and light with regard to the issues plaguing my mind, but the weight of care does pull down on me as reliably as the earth's gravity keeps my feet grounded.  A constant force that can not be shaken off or brushed aside.

Firstly there is still the issue of serious illness in Micheal's family and of his great fear and sorrow.  The connection between our hearts is strong.  I can feel the weight of his sadness and the depths of how greatly I desire to lift it can not be fathomed in words.  Throughout the days of this past week whispered prayers consistantly pass through my lips into the silence of this empty house.

Then the issue of strained friendship as a secondary but still highly personal struggle continues.

Maybe its when my heart becomes involved that I rise up more swiftly .  When someone or something is suddenly perceived as a threat I become defensive.  Not in defence of my person individually but of my loved one and our future together.  In this current situation it is true that both myself and my Friend feel we want what is best for the loved one in question.  This we have in common.  What we do not have in common is what each of us believe to be the path toward lasting happiness for this one we love. 

Another common feeling is that my Friend and I would like to carry on in our friendship.  We each hope that in time we may get past this difficulty and resume our enjoyable conversations.  For now that is not happening.  This is the way life is isn't it?

I have a full day planned.  I am rehearsing my music again and writing a bit more recently as turmoil oddly seems to feed the creative being within.  Our conservatory roof has been mended finally, and curse any future wild winds that may in vain attempt to spoil it, lol.  I may bundle up this afternoon if the sun sees fit to present itself properly today, and ride Brennan and Sloan.  They each could use a good gallop about.  And I can't be certain but I think Athena misses Michael. 

I'll bring her some carrots and say that he sent them.

Ryan 

I will admit to feeling a bit down today.  There are many things happening that I have no control over. 

My sub brother Michael's Aunt Grace, who came to visit across the Christmas hols,  has been found to have cancer.  At the earliest detection it was diagnosed as breast cancer, but upon having a PET scan in the states it appears that the cancer has spread from the breast to the lymph nodes and the lungs.  There are also spots of cancer on the liver as well. 

Nearly a week ago MsV and Michael left for the US to be with Ms Grace and to assess what can be done to fight the cancer and keep her comfortable.  At present MsV is very seriously looking into ways to bring Ms Grace to the UK so that Michael may look after her properly from home.  If all goes according to plan they may well be home as early as next week.  

For those who know Michael, he is taking it all very hard.  He lost his mother to cancer at age five and this adoptive 'aunt' brought him up alone.  Our normally happy chappy is now quite depressed, and frightened of losing this very dear woman in much the same way he lost his mum.  Any thoughts and/or prayers during this time are much appreciated.

Although, still here alone in England, there is much that I must do each day I find my thoughts constantly returning to MsV, Ms Grace and my 'little brother'.  It is so very difficult to see those you love in pain.  I feel powerless to do anything that would help the situation but I will be here for them when they do return.  Every effort will be made to assure comfort, warmth and love for the duration of this trying time.

I know that almost everything else pales in comparison to this issue of life and death, but there is a personal struggle that I am dealing with currently as well. 

One of my treasured friendships appears to be changing.  It changes largely because the Friend and myself find ourselves on opposite sides of an issue which is very close to both of our hearts.  It is evident, even via the IM medium, that a barrier has gone up.  The happy, carefree conversations we once had are becoming strained.  Each person feels they have to 'tip-toe' around the other's feelings. 

This does sadden me because I don't have that many friends to discuss certain topics with.  I have been very fortunate to know this Person and I hope that we can find a middle ground and salvage our friendship.

I am sorry that this entry isn't very entertaining.   Life cannot always be sunshine and flowers.

Ryan