After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make my new blog location publically known.

I shall not let others dictate to me what I may or may not express of my experiences and the feelings attached.

I will also not lose my readership and friends simply due to the idiosyncrasies and malicious attacks of a few.

Any that wish may find my new blog at the following address:

http://crbgray.blogspot.com

With a bit of backbone,
Ryan

Unfortunately this will be my last posting here.

I shall be making a "friends only" post indicating the home of my new blog. If I have inadvertantly overlooked you and you are interested in following me to my new blog site please send me a message or email me and I shall get the blog url to you poste haste.

Thank You,
Ryan

Looking out my bedroom window I have watched the morning sky blossom from a grey and gloomy overcast to a now brightly blue canopy of light. My mood in the last 24 hours seems to have made a similar transition.

It is not wholly unrelated to the fact that I have a "date" with Victoria this evening. We shall dine at one of our highly favoured restaurants through several courses followed by afters and coffees. All the arrangements have been made by Victoria, although I would not allow her to cover my expenses as She wished to. We shall arrive and depart separately.

The purpose of this meeting for me is to see if anything at all remains of our former relationship and to offer assistance. Nothing in my heart has changed throughout this ordeal.

Knowledge of some events, planned and perpetrated by Victoria, that were less than appropriate and could be considered roundly abusive were the spurs that brought on both Michael's and my departure from the household. But I have not ceased to love Her through it all.

After the loss of Celestia there were many cracks in the foundation of our relationship. As seems to be the case with many committed couples, the loss of a child has the potential to either make or break the union. A traumatic event also lends itself handily to causing mental distress which can often lead to lifechanging breakdowns and severe changes in personality for the persons involved.

I am concerned for Victoria in this. Contrary to the beliefs held by so many internet spectators viewing events from afar, Victoria is by no means an abuser by nature. Until the events of last year She was a firmly dominant but thoroughly loving Mistress.

Despite opinions otherwise from many not in a position to truly know, She has previously always been someone who has loved deeply and cared for Her boys quite well. Like no other, I am in a position to speak with authority on Her character and overall persona.

In plain terms, after eight years of consistantly living in Her care and service I should know who She is to the core.

Other than a breif initial consultation in August of last year, Victoria has refused professional help since we lost our child. Now She is facing Her own limitations and realising that perhaps She cannot recover without assistance. We have spoken a few times on the phone and She does seem quite fragile and a bit bewildered to find Herself in such a state. She deeply regrets the events that transpired the beginning of the year and has profusely apologised to both myself and Michael.

At this stage I have promised to do whatever I can to aid in Her recovery. I should be ever so pleased to see Her on the road to health and stability.

To quash and vanquish the belief that my concern for Victoria and my desire to help Her somehow nullify my love for and loyalty to Michael I shall reveal that in a conversation with Michael yesterday, we both agreed that what I intend to do is for the best. He is in full agreement with my plan to assist Victoria in finding professional help, and following my heart, whilst still keeping my head during the process.

Therefore... I shall look forward to this evening, not without a little trepidation and I shall hope with all my heart that there is something to be saved. To say that I have missed Her is a vast understatement. The past several weeks have been a form of hell I would not wish on anyone.

I shall try to write here soon, as my situation progresses.

CRBG

I've had a bit of a downward turn since Michael's departure on Saturday.

I couldn't even be bothered to see them to the airport, so great is my fear of falling to tears in a public place. Also, in not going I avoided feelings that would surely have overwhelmed me.

I spent Saturday in bed... sleeping, crying, sighing, and staring at the wall concentrating on feeling as numb as humanly possible.

Sunday evening I got pathetically pissed on a load of bacardi rum, mixed with anything liquid I could find. I drank the second bottle straight.

This morning I was spectacularly sick. Of course this is not much of a surprise.

It was something to occupy the time.

If I am a son to be ashamed of then I shall make it worth his while. I shall be despicable, useless and pathetic. If my current behaviour is any indication of things to come, it will be quite easy.

My mother came to my bedside and spoke to me this afternoon (when I woke up the second time). She is worried, as she would be. She asked me to go for a walk with her and I obliged. She tried to talk to me about how I'm feeling. After the first five minutes of her 'little speech' I asked if we might walk in silence the remainder of the way. We did.

Safely home, I returned to bed and sleep.

It is tea time now. I can smell food but I am not hungry at all. I shall linger a while online and then I suppose it is back to crying, sighing, staring and eventually sleeping... if I am lucky.

CRBG

I should not like to delve too deeply into the reasons for the changes that have occurred in my life since my last posting. Suffice to say that Michael and myself are no longer a part of Ms Victoria's household. We have been away a few weeks now and are currently living with my parents in Cambridge.

To say that I am a broken man is an understatement.

My life lies about me in shattered fragments. Memories that are too sharp and painful to touch must be handled and the pain endured if only for the sake of filing them away. Often they linger persistantly and I must seek solitude to mourn in private.

I am told the heartache will cease or at least be bearable with time, but in my current state of mind numbness is the nearest thing to peace I can attain. I am weary with the seemingly endless spontaneous tears that present at the worst times.

Everywhere I go and each thing I might do reminds me of doing so with or for Victoria. No matter what has transpired, I will always love her. There is no remedy or cure for the brokeness of my vows to serve her for life. Even if there is strong reason... I bear the sorrow of one who is no longer held in the heart of his beloved.

As I stated at the beginning of this entry, I shall not explain the private matters that brought about our parting, but will only say that it was unavoidable.

My issue now is with finding my life and attempting to recover my heart.

I have been within the household since the age of 19. I am now 27. Many are the days I do feel as though I have nothing to show for the past eight years. I am home with my parents, sleeping in the same bedroom as before I left.

Furthermore, I am a disappointment to my father, whom I have completely 'come out' to. The loss of his approval and the pride he had in my position as HM in the service of Ms Victoria are no more.

He states he does still love me but at times can hardly bear the sight of me, knowing what I was involved in. I know he is hurt and does not understand, but how I ache to feel more of his love and acceptance of me as a person, as his son... I miss what we had.

Have I indeed ruined everything with honesty?

My troubled mind shows evidence of itself in many ways.

My obsessive/compulsive tendencies seem to have multiplied of late and I fear I am driving my mother mad with worry and likely aggravation as well. She wishes me to stop cleaning behind her, stop rearranging her books and her pantry, and cease picking at bits of 'flotsam and jetsam' (primarily fuzz or threads and bits of animal fur) on the carpet.

I am restless...

I suppose this may be because I have led a highly regimented life for many years. I have had my life dictated to me, the order of my days set for me by Victoria, and without her I cannot seem to get through a single day as a normal person would. I feel so utterly incomplete... so solitary and lonely for her company.

Even now my eyes are filled with tears. It seems this is something I have no control over.

I am in therapy as I have been since Celestia's passing, but with a new doctor here in Cambridge.

I do hope that in time I shall be better about all this, but for now there is no sanctuary. Even in sleep I am tormented with dreams, often of better times with the woman I have adored all these years, since my youth. When I wake I am here. Alone.

This entry has become a dirge, and I shall not continue it further. Perhaps at another time I will be more able to conduct myself in a manner worthy of entertaining company.

CRBG

Due to recent circumstances I shall not be writing in my blog for an unspecified amount of time.

I do hope to return to posting the promised articles once life settles. Unfortunately this may take a bit of time.

To all my friends here, I heartily apologise for my absence. I shall indeed miss you.

Be Well,
Ryan

Both Michael and Ms have returned and we are settling back into normal life once more. I missed them both terribly.

No doubt the greatest birthday joy was simply in having them return home.

For all those who wished me a pleasant birthday I express my most sincere gratitude. It was so kind of you to remember me.

On Thursday I had been forbidden by Fiona to stay the main house that morning and upon entering the great room that afternoon I saw the reason. The room was festooned with yellow, red and blue balloons and streamers printed with the words 'birthday boy' in blue. There were candles, banners, party favours and various treats freshly baked and offered up on the silver trays. It was quite a sight to behold.

We enjoyed quite a nice intimate party with delicious Indian cuisine and cake and ice cream for afters. Fiona, feeling a bit cheeky I suppose, decorated the cake, puncturing it with all 27 candles which by a miracle I did manage to blow out in one go.

Unfortunately by the end of the evening I felt a bit unwell due largely to drink. This rarely happens. So I hastily made my apologies, fearing I might be sick, and took to my bed at just gone midnight.

Michael has posted on his blog this evening about the child we expect this summer. He is right in saying that we are all delighted with the current situation.

I will admit that I am slightly anxious about this pregnancy. I fretted about the last one and it ended badly. I only hope that all will be well this time. Michael states in his blog that I am chasing Ms with vitamins and milk, but that is not wholly true. I am also armed with juice, both vegetable and fruit. (smile)

It is a joyful time and I do not wish to dampen it with my concerns. Ms is looking radiant and well, and Michael, apart from letting outside criticism get the better of him, is staying his course, more determined than ever to seek out his path in life; to become a man of acheivement and honour.

I shall be cross stitching a baby sampler for 'Junior' as Ms so fondly refers to the wee babe ensconced within Her. When I find a fitting pattern I shall post the picture of it here.

Be Well My Friends,

Ryan

It is nearly 10:00pm here and I've much on my mind.

The knowledge I have could be likened to so many pieces of a puzzle scattered here and there, but I shall state what I know here, for my own mental clarification.

Mistress spent Saturday night with Michael at Ms Liz's estate in Cambridge where he had been sent for additional training. I assumed this would take the place of Her Sunday visit and that perhaps some time on Sunday afternoon She would return home.

I was informed Sunday afternoon by phone that She would not be returning but rather would remain where She was. She did indicate that a revelation would be made to the boy and that he was likely to require Her presence afterwards.

There are those that know I am not in the dark with regard to the information Michael will be receiving. And though I long to be with them both at this time to offer my support and love, I know in my heart and by my own judgement that She is right in choosing to give the boy Her undivided attention. I would assume he has been a bit shaken by the revelation and even possibly in denial when informed.

This evening Mistress rang to say that upon recieving the information intended for him, Michael agreed to a new confirmation date early in the month of March. He had been considering other options.

I am delighted to hear that he will be staying with us. I feel a bit uncomfortable about having had knowledge of what would likely keep him here, but I was bidden by Mistress not to speak of it to anyone. There should be no guilt in obeying Her wishes, but I feel it nonetheless.

Ms and Michael will not return here until my birthday, which is the tenth of this month.

I did inquire as to why they should stay away so long and She informed me that I did not need that information at the present time. She reminded me of my oath to trust Her and not to question Her decisions, in particular those regarding Michael. She is absolutely correct. I apologised and withdrew my petition.

So I am sat here with my thoughts. I am human and thus I wonder, and suppose, and imagine. I am thinking of Michael. I know a part of his heart is likely deeply saddened at the prospect of not leaving to become alpha to the US Domme he came to care for last year. It has been a great struggle for him. I shall be here to offer my love and compassion in whatever capacity his need may dictate.

I also hope that Ms is getting Her rest and taking Her vitamins. So often last year it was necessary for me to remind Her.

I am pleased for them both for truly it is the beginning of a new era in our household.

In time it will become more evident that this is for the best and Michael will realise the joy of his heart in both service and fatherhood. For the time I accept that it will be bittersweet for him.

My next posting will be on the topic of Same Household Submissives. I have been doing a bit of online research as well as speaking to Damon and a few other boys within the Network to get their insight on the subject. I will combine this with my own personal experience and the copy will be placed on Mistress' desk for proofing and approval.

I apologise for the delay. Life does take so many different unpredictable turns.

Be Well My Friends,

Ryan

It is difficult to describe silence. The absence of sound... of life and excitement might be a proper start. One thing is for certain, where silence is, Michael isn't.

For a number of days now he has been at Ms Liz's for further training and discipline.

It is deathly quiet here. Like a tomb.

There are no other words at this time. I can think of nothing I wish to say.

I shall be writing on the topics I listed some time ago. I apologise for the delay.

Ryan

At the boy's insistence, alongside my reading of St. Luke, Michael will recite the following poem before bed tonight. He says that the reading of this poem on the Eve of Christmas is a highly popular American Tradition.

"Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled ourselves for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

For some, Saturday evening at my parents' home was a less than pleasurable event.

In the wake of what occurred, my extended family, in particular those that know nothing of my intimate relationship to Ms Victoria, (which would be the majority) are ringing my mother to say how shocked they are to learn that I am a flagrant homosexual and how terribly disappointed she must be to learn of it at Christmas.

What happened?

In short, over the course of the evening the boy became drunk and when it appeared that my cousin, Celia, was attempting to interest and possibly even pursue him, he informed her that he was spoken for.

As I now understand it, she then asked had he a girlfriend, to which he replied in the negative. The next assumption was drawn and Celia pressed on, asking was it a boyfriend he had then. To which he said something that could best be rendered as 'yesh'. This is where I entered upon the scene.

I had noticed a bit of commotion and innocently came alongside the boy to see if I could assist in any way.

"And here he is now", He says. Do keep in mind that I had no idea of the topic of discussion, only that there had been a slight commotion in Michael's general vicinity.

At this juncture a fumbling attempt was made by the boy to procure a kiss from me, which I hastily thwarted.

There is a time and place for everything. This was neither the time nor the place for a clumsy demonstration of lush love. It became quickly evident that he was well and truly wounded. Shadows of sorrow crossed his contenance as swiftly as clouds before the sun, clouds that in this circumstance were threatening rain.

I hurriedly made our excuses, before he could precipitate more than a few tears, and with Father's help led the boy to my childhood bedroom. I assured Father that I could manage the situation alone and that he should return to his guests, at which point he departed and Michael, taking his cue, burst into tears.

Slowly and methodically I made my explanations to Michael for not wishing to make a spectacle of ourselves. I informed the boy, for a second time, that most of the guests did not know of my personal life at all and a few would certainly relish a bit of gossip to share. Our private life is just that and it would not be wise to make all of my family privy to our intimacies.

It proved impossible to get through to him. He seemed crestfallen, verging on heartbreak, and I could find no suitable remedy to ease his upset. He then informs me that even though he is hurt that I would not show affection for him publically, he would still appreciate a kiss here in the privacy of my room.

Realising that this is likely the only way to appease him, I tell him I will happily kiss him, but that prior to doing so I must lock the door. He strenuously objects and I have the urge to throw my hands into the air, gazing heavenward, and ask "What next?"

I attempt a quick but affectionate osculation only to have my face taken in the vice grip of his palms whilst he more than returns my sentiment with vivacious ardor.

As it often comes to pass, when one believes a situation cannot become any more dire, it quickly becomes exactly so.

My mother enters the room, sans announcement and is a bit taken back at the sight of us 'lip-locked', as Michael likes to call it. Although slightly embarrassing, this is not a tremendous problem.

I have, in the past, been able to speak to mother about sensitive matters and she seems to take it relatively well. After breaking free of Don Juan I explain to her that Michael has had a bit much to drink and is not himself.

She enlightens me further, saying that she is not surprised as my father had taken the boy under his wing and shared a bit of his private stock "home brew" with him. Michael, perhaps in an effort to impress, overindulged himself.

I close my eyes and shake my head. Is it any wonder at all that the boy is behaving like a swooning schoolgirl? This does indeed explain it all.

Despite mother's protestations, insisting that we ought to stay the night, I drove Michael home. It was necessary to make three impromptu stops along the bypass to allow for purging.

I could not blog about this Sunday because I was still a bit too cross to see things objectively.

"This too shall pass"

I feel a chill this evening. Even with the warmth provided by the fire and the heating throughout, my fingers and forearms are terribly cold.

Michael is reclining on the sofa with his Stephen King novel. Ms has attempted to redirect his interest in something a bit more refined, but Michael has stayed his course and once more, Ms has relented. It never ceases to amaze me what the boy is allowed, without so much as the batting of an eyelash from Ms.

It is the quite the same as the hamster purchase last year. He puts on his pitiful little boy look and the love in Her heart rises to the surface and pours over him in the form of lenience and gifts.

I cannot speak of it much, as to carry on along this line would be displeasing to Mistress.

In very fact, it is not mine to question why, and therefore I shall change the subject.

We are having a late tea tonight. Fiona is preparing a meal from one of the recipes given to her by MsV's New Orleans cousin. So this evening the flesheaters will be treated to a serving of chicken jambalaya. I shall have the rice and veg version. It does smell quite nice. Perhaps taking on a hot meal will break the chill.

Michael and I chopped a bit more firewood today. He splintered and blistered his hands because he refused to wear the gloves allocated to him. His reasoning was that he could not get a firm grip on the axe whilst wearing them.

I would say this was a plausible argument if the gloves were not meant for outdoor work, but they are. I fair quite well with mine, and as a result have incurred no injuries to date. In time I hope the boy will learn that my advice is sound.

We have been given our 15 minute warning time so I must spur Michael on to the bath so that we might both wash our hands and faces before presenting ourselves in the dining room.

I am aware that this post is short and filled with much of nothing. I wish all a pleasant night and I shall write next of the party at Grayson on Saturday.

Be Well,
Ryan

It is with a sigh of relief that I write this evening.

Today has been such a lovely day of relaxing and enjoying the company of only those who reside here. After all the stress of the past week it is a pleasure to have a moment to exhale and take account.

Our Solstice and Christmas celebrations have now transpired and I am most pleased to say that both were smashing successes. Michael missed the Solstice party due to being physically unfit to attend. He was dearly missed by our guests, in particular Ms Liz's boys and Ms Tamsin, who inquired after Michael at least twice that evening.

The Christmas party took place on Saturday evening and ours was a full house indeed. Of all those invited only one was unable to attend due to a death in the family.

Thankfully there were no true c*ckups. Apart from the goose liver pate being a bit on the salty side for some, and the large serving tray of assorted nuts being very nearly tipped over by Michael(not once, but twice), all went according to plan.

My father popped in for an hour after visiting his old bowls friend, Chester, in Brandon. This was a totally unexpected surprise which pleased Ms Victoria emmensely. I must admit to being a bit unnerved at first but as it turned out there was nothing to trouble myself about.

In the end Father complimented the wine selection and my general presentation of our home to receive guests. I needn't tell you I was quite touched. Father is a renowned perfectionist when it comes to the coordination of festivities in a stately home. It was inwardly pleasing to be awarded his seal of approval.

Father also spent a fair amount of time speaking with Michael. Michael assures me it was strictly financial talk, but I find that difficult to fully believe. I kept a keen eye and did notice quite a burst of laughter from the two of them at least twice during their conversation. How can taxes and/or various other accounting matters be at all humourous? However, I suppose Michael does possess the innate ability to make even the most mundane topic a point of hilarity.

My parent's Christmas do is this weekend. It is actually the last formal celebration in our diary this year. As I mentioned in the previous post, Michael shall attend with me. I am less nervous about this now. The boy conducted himself very much like a gentleman last evening and I suppose lightening has been known to strike twice on occasion.

Before closing, I will say that our carolling concerts have been wonderful for both the entertainers and the entertained. Both Michael and I have greatly enjoyed socialising with the ladies and gentleman in the homes.

If any of you have opportunity to give a bit of your time do try to get out and visit with the elderly, many of whom have simply been forgotten or have had all their friends/family pass on before them. What a wealth of life history they have to share.

Michael was pleased to talk to some WWII veterans who told him about the Yanks they'd befriended during the war. Apparently the American soldiers came into some of our towns and villages and stole the hearts many of our young ladies. I think Michael's grin was ear to ear upon hearing this, lol. The song remains the same.

I wish one and all a lovely holiday and a joyful new year.

Be well,
Ryan

Once more, I have been lax in posting. I beg your forgiveness.

This is the time of year in which I find myself tremendously pressed for time. Thankfully I have completed my gift shopping but there still remain other preparatory tasks in anticipation of the coming festivities.

Ms hosts two parties in December. The first is in honour of the Winter Solstice which Ms refers to as our Yule Celebration. This is a fancy dress occasion and rather informal. A meal is served, usually buffet style, and gifts are exchanged, many in a humourous vein.

There is much emphasis placed on the lighting of the Yule Log to give brightness in the shortest day and the placing of mistletoe to remind us that life remains present in winter.

It is a smaller scale party to the Christmas celebration, being a dinner party with invitations for approximately 40, Mistresses and their boys included.

The Yule typically stands as the Network's Annual Seasonal Play Party as well. A time for pronouncements, and occasionally ceremony, as will be the case this year with Michael. I think I shall fully faint with relief when his vows are at last completed.

On the other hand, the Christmas Celebration is a formal, evening dress occasion. Entirely vanilla, as many of the guests are family and business associates. At this function I am strictly the butler and household manager and Michael is strictly Mistress' personal financial advisor and accountant.

I find this particular event most stressful. It was curtailed a bit last year, but this season it will be a grand stage. Nearly full attendance is expected. As is my nature I am highly concerned that all the linens are perfectly pressed, the centrepieces exquisite and well placed, the food and wine perfectly delightful and the entertainment impressive and pleasing to most if not all.

It is my duty to deliver a successful event, especially as the fruit of my labours is a reflection on Mistress Herself. There are only a few little niggling items to sort, but be assured I will be tweaking and touching up right to the last minute before the guests arrive.

Also, my parents are hosting a family gathering at their residence this year. I shall see numerous persons I have not encountered since childhood. Curious though I am, my feeling is still somewhat shy when reuniting with people. Mother will quite naturally pull me to the centre ring and make much of anything and everything she can think to boast about. On cue I shall go deeply red and wish for the comforting underside of the nearest large stone.

Father asked that I invite Michael. I question the wisdom in this as the boy's very presence as my guest will start a whirlwind of gossip and supposition, both of which I would most like to avoid. Nonetheless I have asked him along and he has consented with glee.

It was nice of father to think of Michael. As he knows how Michael grew up without paternal leadership, I think Father would like to take the boy under his wing. I do question if Father might still retain these sentiments if he knew about the boy's strong tendancy to compare him to a zombie butler, aka this character, Lurch.

This year as well as volunteering at the shelter I have scheduled a little concert tour of sorts to a few of the nursing/care homes. A few evenings will feature a woodwind quartet composed of my friends, these being the nights they had available in their diaries. Others will feature myself on piano, playing Christmas selections arranged to accompany voice so the residents may sing along, if they are so inclined.

I have included Michael, writing in parts for triangle, wood blocks, sleigh bells, and perhaps a light bit of snare and brushes on the Guaraldi piece. I have also suggested he lead the singing on carolling evenings, but he feels that British people will not accept his American renditions. I told him this is foolishness and, I believe, an excuse on his part. The very idea!

At any rate, He smirked at me when I made the proposal of the instruments, almost as if I were purposely putting him in a backseat position. I explained that next year it is my hope that he will play a more prominant part, perhaps piano accompaniment to my flute or oboe. His response? 'Fat chance, Ryan.'

He was a bit more enthusiastic once I presented him with the instruments. In fact Ms felt that after an hour or so the enthusiasm was running a bit too high for Her tastes and thus confiscated the lot. She states that he will be allowed possession of his kit for specific practice times to save wear and tear on both Her ears and Her nerves.

I would so love to natter on, but I've chores to attend to and a bit of practice with our budding percussionist this evening.

Be well all, and may your holiday planning go smoothly.

Faithfully,
Ryan

Good Morning, Friends.

I apologise for my absence.  As Michael has posted, I was ill with a lung infection and spent a tidy little week in hospital undergoing treatment.  As I may have stated before, I do not enjoy drawing undue attention to myself and should never like to be a burden to those around me.  That being said, you may draw the correct conclusion that I knew myself to be unwell prior to fainting in Mistress' presence and thus removing all doubt. 

Happily I am now on the mend and shall devote myself to catching up on all my duties, as well as my strength and endurance will allow.  Each day I'm a bit better physically and can not complain.  I would like to express my gratitude to those who were about to help me (MsV, my mother and father, Michael, nurses, doctors, hospital staff) and those here whose well wishes were relayed to me by Michael.  Thank you all.

Upon reviewing the comments with regard to my next essay/commentary topic I have decided to respond first to Ms Antlady's request and give a bit of background detail.   I will attempt to give satisfactory answers to Her questions as well. 

Allow me to preface this by saying that I cannot in any way speak for all persons involved in BDSM, D/s, Femdom, etc...  I will address matters regarding our personal household lifestyle.  I have lived here for seven and one half years and would hope in that time to have become somewhat of an expert on Mistress Victoria's requirements and methodology.   Also I might add that this is my perception of our reality.  Ms or Michael may see things a bit differently to myself.

Ms Victoria has been training boys for nearly 20 years (by 2009) within Her Network of Domme Friends.  She is a Female Supremacist, but a kind and loving one who does not resent the male of the species.   Her primary interest, apart from the physical, is in refinement and overseeing the transformation of genetically tested, superior males into fine gentlemen.  Her sadistic proclivities fall secondary to Her mission to refine and purify the male in general. 

She believes, as do I, that males have a tendancy to brutishness and uncouth behaviour partially due to hormonal issues, and that in order to experience the true fullness of life they should be lovingly governed by a firm Female hand. 

I have permission to reveal that I am the 17th boy to successfully earn his certificate through two years of training servitude.  Several others,  when faced with the full discipline, were unable to finish or simply declined to stay the course.  There are limits to what I may elaborate on, but I will say that certain elements of the training are unfathomable for the faint of heart and boys of unyielding spirit were never tolerated beyond the first week. 

Concerning contracts: 

Michael is technically still under the terms of his training contract which extends to February 2008.  Certain exceptions to the normally strict rules have been made in his case and he has been offered the Beta position several months early.  

Ms Victoria certainly owes me no explanation, but She has mentioned that the leniency extended to Michael is due to several factors, not the least of which being Her intention for Michael to be the final graduate of Her training.

She has numerous times mentioned that he is unlike any other boy She has trained not only in his unbelievable stamina for physical punishment but in his boyish charm and entertaining personality.  It is difficult to remain unaffected by the boy.

I have a life-long contract with a yearly review of my performance.  The contract is perhaps much like a marriage contract, an agreement between persons to maintain an association with certain criteria to be met.   It is not a business contract, per se, but within the Network a service contract is perhaps even more weighty than a business contract.  

Michael and I are not paid by MsV for our submission.  It is a gift of the will which we present to Her.  Although I might hasten to add that Michael and myself are both employed by Mistress.  My position being equivilent to that of a major domo/butler and Michael's being Her personal accountant.  This is considered separate, to a certain extent, from our abject servitude to Her as our Domina.

Concerning the positions of Alpha, Beta, Gamma etc... :

The Alpha position is the highest ranking level of service within our household.  Many duties fall to this boy as well as his bearing the brunt of responsibility for the actions of other servants within the house.  He is charged with responsibility to set the pace and be an example for those beneath him and also to help in the training of the lower boy(s).  

Alpha must be highly discreet and hold his Mistress' confidence to the point of death if need be.  He is entrusted with much and equally much is expected of him.  It is a position of great honour which is usually hard earnt.  As Alpha I may, under Mistress' direction, command Michael and expect his immediate obedience without question.  

Beta is beneath Alpha to the degree that Mistress chooses.  It has been Her intent with Michael to groom him to be a 'Close Beta'  which would be perceived, within the Network, as a secondary Alpha.  In time I would educate him to carry out each of my duties to increase his worth and to allow more flexibility in our schedules.  I would likely share the yoke of burden with him in order to give more personal service and attention to Mistress.

Michael shall be taking a bit of time away in the next few weeks before returning here for confirmation and his induction.  He is travelling to Miami to visit with his aunt and friends before making this major commitment.  

He has given me his mother's ring to hold as security insuring his return.   The three of us have met this morning and he shall leave for Miami on Monday with Mistress' blessing and mine. 

His return is scheduled for November 30th.  He has asked for a 'Pineapple upside down cake' for his 24th birthday on December 1st.  I will do my best to oblige him although I have no recipe as of yet.  Last year it was a Red Velvet cake that was quite lovely.

I suppose I shall continue to forge on with explanations and background information in my next entry. 

Until my next posting, I wish you all health and happiness.

Ryan